Bombs and Pickles: Once A Sex Addict Always A Sex Addict

Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body?

For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” 1 Corinthians 6:16

I have not been able to write for several weeks.  It was then that my husband confessed to more sexual indiscretions than I had ever imagined.  It seems that, in addition to the escalating involvement with cyber-porn, he had neglected to tell me a year ago (when he was "coming clean" and we were starting over with forgiveness and healing) that he also had been with prostitutes, not just two times very long ago, but at least 10 times in the last several years. This news was more than I could bear.  I have been working on healing for my soul and reconciliation in our relationship for over a year.  I have been reading volumes on addiction, trauma, verbal abuse, and depression, meeting with counselors, investing in physical health, rebuilding our sexual relationship,  recovering my sense of self, and re-learning spiritual discernment.  But he didn't tell me the full extent of his sexual misbehaviors. Not Even Close. 

You can't forgive what you don't know. You can't heal a relationship where there are still secrets. Forgiveness is a given, but holding open the door for repentance and reconciliation is the hard work of being a Christ-follower.  Still, the one betrayed cannot write the script of repentance for the offender, and cannot walk through the open door for the offender.  

I wish I had been advised early on to attend a "3-day intensive", which is a counseling marathon with polygraph and assisted disclosures. My husband reminds me of the AA wisdom discussed often in his 12-Step Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) group: "Once you are a pickle, you can never go back to being a cucumber."  This slogan, borrowed from Alcoholics Anonymous, teaches that a person does not stop being an alcoholic (or sexaholic) and must always be vigilant, fleeing from evil and avoiding that first drink. (But think about it - isn't that pickle a spectacularly bad analogy when applied to Sexaholic's Anonymous?)  I see many addicts using this slogan to justify why they are not being transformed, not "working the 12 Step program." They evade sponsor accountability, hold on to old resentments, and avoid steps towards healing important relationships. 

Jesus has a very different view of us; to Him we are no longer pickles. You will not find "pickle" by searching in www.biblegateway.com, but you will find that God sees you as an adopted son or daughter, with all the privileges of sonship. Gal. 4:4-5. You may have missed my newest translation of Gal. 4:7: "So you are no longer a pickled sinful slave to sexual addiction, but God's fresh cucumber-like child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir, like a cucumber re-attached to its vine." Someday I want to sell T-shirts for addicts in recovery that say: "Jesus Saves" on the front and "God Sees You As A Cucumber!" on the back.  That, my friends, is the very center of the gospel.

A dialogue with a Christian friend followed these new disclosures.  I offer it in case you are in this same place of attempting discernment while still in shock:

Friend:  "Do you believe this marriage is unrepairable?"

Me:  "Yes, no, yes, no. Depends which minute of the day you ask.  My theology says nothing is out of His reach. My heart says I don't expect my husband can change.  Is that a lack of faith?"

Friend: "No. It is reality. Only God's grace can change a heart bound by sin. Your task is to prayerfully consider whether he wants to be transformed. If yes, then yes. If no, then no."

Thank you friend! This formation of the question has been immeasurably valuable. The question is not whether God can save my husband. (Of course He can!) The question is not whether we want to honor our covenant marriage vows, in sickness and in health. (We do!) The question is not whether my husband wishes he were not an addict. (He does!) The question is whether my husband wants to be transformed. Jesus is asking my husband the same question He asks each of us: Do You Want To Be Healed? (Or rather, do you want to be a cucumber attached to the vine?)

Emotional Abuse: Your Expectations Are Too High!

Wisdom, like an inheritance, is a good thing and benefits those who see the sun. 

Wisdom is a shelter as money is a shelter, but the advantage of knowledge is this:

that wisdom preserves the life of its possessor.  Ecclesiastes 7: 11-12.

My husband said last night that my expectations (for his communications) are too high and I am too sensitive (in response to his words.)   Maybe so.  My brain went searching for any faults of mine that may be contributing to the difficulties in this relationship.  He was unhappy that his attempt at explanation and apology were not deemed sufficient for me to get over hurtful comments. Don't you think the sufficiency of an apology should be decided by the one hurt, not the one doing the hurting?

But isn't this another way of saying "you are being unreasonable?"  It would be unreasonable of me to expect that he bring home roses every week or that every gift he gives or word he utters be perfectly thoughtful.  It would be unreasonable of me to express a need for constant affirmation and encouragement.  But is it unreasonable to desire the water of empathy in response to my hurt? To want an apology that touches my heart? To hope for engaging questions and occasional affirmation from him? This passage from Ms. Evan's books says it all:

"When women hear their inner realities defined, they know that they are not seen and heard for who they are.  So, of course, they want the verbally abusive man to change.  But if she can't find ways to bring change, if she is told that she has no right to ask for change because she is "too sensitive," she ends up traumatized. She hears that her inner pain and self-perceptions are wrong... Although her relationship is ended, there is no funeral at which she can display her grief or anyone bringing casseroles to ease her pain.  She may harbor the fear of being crazy.  She searches for ways to not make it be some fault that she has overlooked.  Her mental anguish is so great she becomes exhausted and suffers from panic attacks or anxiety.  Her exhaustion increases as she struggles to maintain her own perceptions and her own experiences in the face of their being denied.  People who are severely traumatized feel as if they are never going to feel okay." [1]

Amen Sister! I also believed, during these times, that I was never going to feel okay.

Now I preach to myself: "I am not unreasonable to desire faithfulness and affirmation."  Such wisdom is a shelter, and may preserve the life of its possessor. **
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 [1]  P. Evans, The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change? (2006)  p. 91-92.

Verbal Abuse vs. Physical Abuse: Where Is The Line?

But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister 

will be subject to judgment. Matt. 5:22

Our sermon a few weeks ago was about anger, and the verse from Jesus' Sermon on the Mount.  Patricia Evans in "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" (2006) explains how subtly, slowly, verbal abuse starts, and how, in some cases, it slyly escalates into physical abuse. It starts with being in the "zone" of the other person, purportedly unaware of the other body in the space. Then it might manifest as blocking a doorway or a path, and might move to "accidentally" standing on the spouse's foot.  Before I read this book, I imagined that a physical abuser started out punching his wife on their honeymoon.

For Mother's Day I received a small welt on my face.  Technically, it was an accident, but anger and frustration were involved.  I will describe the event; do you think it is abuse?  I am so new to even thinking in this way.

I was kneeling on the ground weeding. My husband was standing and weed-whacking with a machine 10-12 feet away.  I called out to ask him to stop whacking.  As he stopped, he anticipated my reason, and he threw the machine in my direction with a great deal of anger. It landed on the ground several feet in front of me.  I was startled, but didn't react.  A few minutes later, when our discussion about weed-whacking was done, my husband headed to another spot about 3 feet away from where my face was bent over a flower bed weeding and he started up the machine. Instantly the spinning line of string kicked up small rocks and bark into my face.  One small stone hit my face hard. I fled into the house upset. My husband came in soon after and apologized; he claimed the first toss of the machine was not throwing "at" me, as he was well aware the machine could not travel that full distance, and the second event was entirely an accident.  His apology seemed genuine.

What do you think?  We all do things in anger that are not abuse.  We all make mistakes that might cause minor hurt to one another.  Where is the line? What is a choice and what is an accident?  The variations are infinite - how would you make this distinction?