A Grief Delayed: Diminished Love

GREETINGS 

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"Greetings!"
We meet again after the unspeakable -

the big "D". Not my choice.
In your voice, my stomach hears the pitch 
one half-step from our prior relationship.
Your face, the slight muscle twitch of distaste, 
like brussels sprouts dissolving in your mouth.
In your patchwords, are you hiding? 
Pretending not to cringe at my shattered glass?
Like a woman charged and held for questioning, 
behind glass in the visitor's room, I am convicted. 
Untouchable.
Your eyes beg for me to lay the table pads,
and cover the still beautiful but wounded wood.
Only then can you feast without seeing the hot pot burn. 
My mouth waters for communion feasting, 
where the wooden table needs no covering of wounds,
and longs for the sweet, fresh crumbs of Sunday and His voice grace tuned.
His face, peace, without brussels sprouts.
 "Welcome!"

The Crack in the Windshield - Providential Perspectives on Divorce

It is time for the Lord to act, for your law has been broken. Psalm 119:126

Brokenness is an important concept in scripture.  Commandments are broken, hearts are broken, covenants are broken.  And the reminder we hear often, "His body is broken...for you."  

A few years after divorce, still feeling wounded but on the mend,  I sat in a dark auditorium listening to an orchestra play Dvorak's New World Symphony.  I wondered: why am I so anxious not to meet or converse with my ex-husband and his girlfriend?  Is this rationale, now that time has passed?  What is the reason for this anxiety?  Maybe I am still in "secret-keeper mode" - afraid I will say something that gives away some of my ex-husband's secrets. I am not jealous, although maybe I am jealous on my children's behalf for his time which he now spends with her rather than them.  

Maybe it’s as simple as a strong human desire to avoid looking straight at the brokenness. I would prefer to see either wholeness or see God’s faithfulness in the broken situation. The windshield is cracked, but I try to drive onward.  I expend emotional energy avoiding looking at the crack in the windshield.  

Is there a better response? When I think about my ex-husband and his girlfriend, I don’t know what to pray for.  So I prayed that the Holy Spirit would show me what in the world to pray for. As the New World Symphony spun out, this thought came: yes the crack in the windshield was my reality, and seeing it cannot be avoided. But I needed to look not only at the crack, but out the entire field of glass to see the incredible beauty of the landscape of life given by God, created by God, and overseen by God.  The providence landscape over the dashboard. 

On my journey, I can see the snowy mountains, the children doing well in school, blue skies and green pastures and yellow daffodil fields, the tender care of a new man in my life, and brown dirt fields hosting thousands of white swans.  I can see young men who pick good movies, know how to handle technology, and play in orchestras. I see the blessing of having enough to pay for music lessons, young women with good grades despite moving between two houses, and a sister who married a good man.  I see a large warm house and a reliable vehicle.  I am blessed by weekly hours of worship, the table set before me, and communion of the saints. That is the view from the driver’s seat out the windshield, the view of God’s excessive faithfulness.  

That vision provides the answer to my ex-husband and girlfriend question - God has this!  God knows why the girlfriend may be needed in his life. God will lead me to speak with her in time and give me words that bless her in some way.  Maybe my boys will see how I treat her and, knowing the tears I have shed, learn from observing. Trust me, the Father says. This anxiety over interactions is merely a matter of my lack of trust in God.  Doesn't it always come down to that?