Part 4: Verbal Abuse is a Man's Suit of Dishonor

¹⁸ They cursed others as easily as they put on clothes. Cursing was as natural to them as getting a drink of water or putting olive oil on their bodies.¹⁹ May their curses cover them like coats. May their curses be wrapped around them like a belt forever. 22 I am poor and needy. My heart is wounded deep down inside me. 28 They may curse me. But may you bless me.  May those who attack me be put to shame. But may I be filled with joy. ²⁹ May those who bring charges against me be clothed with dishonor. May they be wrapped in shame as if it were a coat.³⁰ With my mouth I will continually praise the Lord. I will praise him when all his people gather for worship. 
Psalm 109 (NIRV)

After writing three posts on the meaning of "clothing" representing identity in the Bible, I came across these amazing verses in Psalm 109. With these words, the Holy Spirit gives us permission to cry out. The Spirit also gives us permission to confess the reality that the sins of others can be awful and may cause us severe pain and suffering.(1) The truth is that we need not make excuses for the sins of others against us - God does not require this. Instead, God blesses wives who do not stand in the way that sinners take. (2)

Verbal and emotional abuse within marriage is private: "it only happens when no one else is around" and it mostly happens in ways that are hidden from others.(3) It causes great shame in the wife, but she sounds petty when she tries to describe this ongoing assault of words, distancing and control. The de-valuing words and actions (cursing really) come so naturally to our husbands' daily lives; it is like drinking coffee or shaving to them and we become accustomed to it as well. Yet we are deeply wounded and we want God to bring His justice to the situation. If we are honest with God, at times we desire that the tables be turned and that the world see our husbands surrounded by the dishonor they deserve.  

What a prayer the Psalmist gives to wives in this situation! We have permission to wail - for a time.  If you are despairing today, try praying this updated version of these same verses from Psalm 109:

"Oh dear Father, my husband puts on slippery words of degradation and emotional coldness just as he puts on his suit in the morning. Objectifying me and dismissing my ideas is as natural to him as brushing his teeth or combing his hair. May these criticisms and put-downs that he constantly tosses at me cover him like a coat for all to see.  May the aura of disdain he shows towards me be a belt tight around his waist that never comes off, even when he naps. My heart and soul are so deeply wounded, I feel it always in my belly. My husband (and maybe his friends) may look down on me and call me "unreasonable" or worse, but I praise you Lord that you bless me and protect me. I ask that my husband of many years be seen by all as covered in dishonor.  Wrap his shame and selfishness around him like a long overcoat for all to view.  I will continue to speak highly of your care for me Lord, and I will continue to go to church and worship you, Lord God, wherever your true people gather."  

   

If this is where you are in the healing process, I praise and thank God that you have the courage to be honest with Him and with yourself. I thank God that the ancient Psalmist gave us a model of crying out to God about modern sins done against us.  I pray that God's mercy be new for you every morning.: 

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(1)} us.http://authenticgraceforlife.blogspot.com/2015/03/enduring-our-present-suffering.html\
(2) Psalm 1.
(3) Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond (May 1992), New edition, Jan. 2010.

Part 3: Sex Addiction and the Garment of Violence

"For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the Lord,
the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. 

So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless."

Malachi 2:16. (ESV)

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With the background from the previous two posts about clothing, identity and God's view of divorce, let's look at the final words of Malachi 2: the man who divorces "covers his garment with violence."   A man who is unfaithful and breaks covenant with the wife of his youth has put on an outer garment. And the Lord is clear, this is not the garment of power from the Holy Spirit, this is not the garment of praise, and this is not the cloak of righteousness. The man who causes divorce by his unfaithfulness has taken on a new identity - he may have his under-garments of religion or his belief that "I'm a decent guy most of the time," but he now wears an outer garment of violence -  his hard outer layer is nearly incapable of penetration or compassion. The imagery is striking in its harshness.

But doesn't this Biblical truth fit perfectly with what we know about marital unfaithfulness, whether from sex addiction or from a "temporary lapse"? Such a husband has stepped away from God. He is not living a life of repentance.  He is not a promise keeper. Such a husband must necessarily control and manipulate his wife verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically to rationalize his devaluing and objectifying of his covenant partner.  He is demeaning his wife in bed as he attempts to act out his porn fantasies.  His disdain, even if it has not risen to the level of physical violence, has done great violence to his wife's soul.  A year after my husband's worst disclosures of sexual acting out, my soul and spirit still feel as though I have been assaulted with a mace; I try to staunch the bleeding, but there are so many wounds that I get distracted bandaging one while another opens. Many within the church, myself included, have not been sympathetic and have vastly underestimated the damage this type of "violence" does to a women's soul.[1]

This violence is now my husband's identity. He has put on this garment slowly but surely.  I grieve for his new identity. And I resent his battering of my soul; I still feel weak and shaky on those days when I attempt to face the trauma and forgive the violence of his past words. He shrugs it off, believing he has been polite and civil, and indeed he has been on many occasions. But an evil person can be polite and civil, and civility does not soothe the soul crushed by withdrawal, shame, or contemptuous words. 

If your husband is faithless and breaks his marriage covenant, then he is wearing an overcoat of violence in God's eyes. Contrast this with the loving image in Galatians 3:28 where God sees his adopted sons and daughters wearing cloaks of righteousness.(2)  God knows that the natural result of unfaithfulness to Himself and to a spouse is violence of some sort - rising self-loathing, disdain towards a wife, slowly escalating emotional and verbal abuse, sometimes transforming imperceptibly into physical violence. It is God's great love for us that causes him to warn men: "so guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless."

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(1) See, e.g. Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D, The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, (1977) Chapter 1 "What Trauma Does To People."
(2) "This is because all of you who were baptized into Christ have put on Christ. You have put him on as if he were your clothes." Ga. 3:28 (NIVRV). 

Part 2: God Hates Divorce: Fighting The Battle of Who Could Care Less

"It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are His.... So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. "I hate divorce," says the Lord God of Israel..." 

Malachi 2:13-16(a)

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Do you think this would be a good verse to read at a Christian wedding?  It might cause the witnesses to cringe,  but it would be the honest word of God about marriage.

This rich Bible verse is directed towards men.  But I think women can also gain insight from God's perspective in Malachi.  First, do you see that the Lord holds himself up as the witness between you and your husband?  For a covenant marriage, Jesus is the witness to your vows, the real "best man" at your wedding, and the high priest who joined you together in matrimony.  As you face divorce, you may feel as though you have failed. For me, walking through divorce has been not only a time of great pain but also a time of repentance and communion.  Without repentance, satan uses my shame and fear of failure to attack and keep me from leaning into Jesus, the witness and high priest over my wedding.

Second, by this verse in Malachi, I am assured that God commanded my husband not to break his covenant vows. But by his decisions and sexual acting out, my husband has indeed broken those vows.  Your husband may have "broken faith" with you in other ways. Not all theologians would agree with me, but I believe unfaithfulness through pornography and abuse in all its forms is also "breaking faith" with your spouse. By this breaking of faith, the husband is "divorcing" his wife;  after he does, if a wife initiates or participates in legal proceedings, that does not make her the "divorcing" spouse. God hates divorce  - which Malachi defines as the breaking of faith by a husband; God does not hate a wife who uses the legal process to protect herself from further harm.  

G. Livingston, M.D., a modern secular psychologist, writes that, "Any relationship is under the control of the person who cares the least."(1) Livingstone and Malachi are on the same page - marriage is a covenant that one spouse can break unilaterally.  Many people mistakenly believe that it takes two to destroy a marriage.  But modern counselors know this is often not true. Again, Livingston writes, "As marriages enter the long slide toward alienation, is it seldom a symmetrical process....While it takes two people to create a relationship, it takes only one to end it." Ben Folds, a modern rock poet and several times divorced himself, is even more succinct when he sings of a couple "fighting the battle of who could care less." (2)

Third, do you see how God views covenant marriage? God says a husband and wife are one and they are His "in flesh and spirit." This explains the extreme pain of divorce.  Like childbirth, others cannot understand the level of pain unless they have lived through a similar event. You have been one in flesh and spirit with your husband, so divorce will hurt like hell; it will be a tearing of your flesh and a ripping of your spirit, like an animal tearing at the flesh of its prey.

Finally, God accepts your righteous anger - God himself hates divorce.  He hates that your husband has decided to break faith with you, leaving separated lives as the only option. God hates that your husband has made clear by his actions that he doesn't want to be married to you. My teenager reminds me: when people ask, "WWJD - what would Jesus do?" it helps to remember that getting angry, cracking a whip, driving people like cattle, and turning over tables of money is a viable option.(3)

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(1) G. Livingston, M.D., Too Soon Old; Too Late Smart.
(2) "Battle of Who Could Care Less", Ben Folds Five, 1997 Album, Whatever and Ever Amen,
(3)  Matthew 21: 12-13.

Part 1: The Clothing of Identity; the Nakedness of Divorce.

You turned my loud crying into dancing.
    You removed my clothes of sadness and dressed me with joy.

Psalm 30:11 (NIRV)

With the divorce finalized, it is time to remove the wedding ring. This is something I have been dreading. Some who have faced divorce are eager to tear off the symbol of their covenant when their spouse has betrayed them.  So why is this such a difficult step for me? It is just a tiny gold band that I've hardly noticed over the years; it has become a part of my body - never removed.  When I finally take it off and go out in public, I feel naked and self-conscious.  I hide my left hand from friends and counselors, even though they know my story well. Why? Perhaps because this ring has been my protective clothing - my identity - through decades of marriage.

Throughout the Bible, being "clothed" is all about identity. For example, Jesus commands his followers to wait in Jerusalem until they are clothed in the power of the Holy Spirit. Luke 24. (1)  He tells them, "If you go out as missionaries before you are clothed in power, your words alone are not going to be enough."  "Clothed" here in Luke connotes both sitting under a waterfall - being bathed or covered continuously - and also has the image of a tattoo parlor - a body covered in messages and beliefs.  In other words, until your personality is taken over by God, you need to sit down and wait; you need to get alone with God and get dressed in the Spirit.

In Genesis, the first couple try, but fail, to clothe themselves.  God rescues the man and wife by making clothes for them. Gen. 3:21.(2)  With Gideon, we are told that the Spirit of the Lord clothed Gideon with power. Judges 6:34.(3) Elijah transferred his authority as a prophet to Elisha by transferring his cloak of power, the same cloak that divided the river.  I Kings 19:19.(4)  Things really change when you are clothed with power! And when the blind beggar was being ushered to Jesus, he threw off his essential beggar's garments, trusting in advance that he would no longer be blind after meeting Jesus. Mark 10: 48-49.(5) Taking off and putting on clothing in scripture is all about identity. To be "clothed" is to have your identity changed. 

Of course, the greatest "clothing" promise is explained by the Apostle Paul: "This is because all of you who were baptized into Christ have put on Christ.  You have put him on as if he were your clothes." Ga. 3:28 (NIVRV).  Quite simply, in baptism we joyfully take on His identity.  In divorce, we painfully take off the clothing of our married identity. 

The Proverbs 31 wife is "clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." (6) The wife of a sex addict cries out with loneliness, and divorce brings weeping and sorrow unlike any other damaged relationship.  Even when my husband has covered me with shame, it is gloriously hopeful to me that since Christ clothes me with strength and dignity, perhaps someday Jesus will remove my "clothes of sadness" so that I can be "dressed with joy" and laugh again. Psalm 30:11.

Next time I will write about the clothing described  in Malachi 2.

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(1) Luke 24:49:  "I am going to send you what my Father has promised; but stay in the city until you have been clothed with power from on high." Luke 24:49
(2) Genesis 3:21: "The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them."
(3) Judges 6:34 (ESV) "But the Spirit of the Lord clothed Gideon, and he sounded he trumpet, and the Abiezrites were called out to follow him."
(4) I Kings 19:19 "...Elijah went up to him (Elisha).  He threw his coat around him."
(5) Mark 10:48-49.  Jesus stopped and said, "Call him" (the blind beggar). So they called to the blind man, "Cheer up! On your feet! He's calling you." Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus."
(6) Prov. 31:25

Verbal Abuse: A Dangerous Box of Chocolates

 "From outward appearances I had it all: a great job, home, car, and two beautiful children. Yet I
was broken and needed healing. In my brokenness, my husband became my protection. I created a false sense of happiness amid his controlling behavior.  Verbal abuse turned into emotional, spiritual, and physical abuse in a matter of months." Tawana Davis, Christianity Today (Jan/Feb. 2015).

This author goes on to describe an incident of great physical violence against her at the hand of her husband.  And it wasn't until years later that she realized she had been a victim of domestic violence.

In the same issue of CT, others wrote, "One in four American women experiences violence from her partner at some point in her adult life" and, "women with strong religious backgrounds often are less likely to believe that violence against them is wrong. Abused women who are Christian may try to understand their suffering by believing it is "God's will" or "part of God's plan for my life."(1)

The ideas in these articles are surprising to me - that verbal and emotional abuse can turn physical in a matter of months even after many years of marriage; that one can be assaulted by a spouse and not realize the significance; that the worldview of Christian women can make them particularly susceptible to long-suffering in the face of an abusive marriage.

Several years ago, I was working on a church gardening project with two nurses.  They noticed my excessive sneezing and strongly encouraged me to seek allergy testing and shots.  As a result, I was diagnosed as allergic to walnuts, almonds, and other tree nuts.  I endured 5 years of shots and I carry an EpiPen at all times. These two women's observation of my physical reaction, their validation of my situation, and their encouragement to action probably saved my life, or at least saved me a life-threatening crisis.  Now, when I approach a box of chocolates, I experience apprehension, fear even. If I pick the wrong one I could have a reaction. When someone quips, "Life is like a box of chocolates; ya never know whatyer gonna get" I think - how true!

More recently, Christian friends may have saved my life in a different way. My husband was a verbal and emotional abuser. He was covert, subtle, and smart about it; when no one was around, my spirit and soul were repeatedly crushed.  I sought and found guidance from other Christians, and Jesus the great Healer began a work of restoration in me.  But abusers do not like it when you respond in a healthy, self-protective manner; they desperately need to keep you under their thumb in order to feel whole themselves. My husband would say repeatedly, "I can't ever encourage you in anything, because then I can't control you." As I started the slow crawl out of the swamp to emotional health, my husband became more angry, more heated, with more finger waving, stronger words, and more physical reactions.  One day he threw some yard equipment in my direction and started up a machine near my face which kicked up rocks. But I had friends who listened well, observed, validated my reactions, and encouraged me on how to protect and take care of myself.  I will never know for certain, but if Ms. Davis is correct in her quote above, then I may have been living on the brink of physical abuse in my home.

What is my point? Verbal abuse is a dangerous box of chocolates.  Speaking truth to a friend may save her life. Listening well and validating her feelings and reactions may help her process the dangerous secret events that could add up to something much worse than chocolate covered nuts.  And carry an EpiPen full of scripture, hymns and spiritual songs to inject yourself as needed.** 

For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand

and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

Isaiah 41:13

______________________________________________________________________________

(1) Lindsey and Justin Holcomb, authors of "Is it My Fault? Hope and Healing for Those Suffering Domestic Violence."

A Broken Marriage Reveals True Friends

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.

Prov. 17:17

I recently read that the meaning of life is "to find out who and what are true friends."(1) While this is not a catechism answer, it is worth pondering.  In times of adversity, we discover who will walk with us as brothers and sisters in Christ.

Through my own crisis of abandonment and betrayal by my spouse, I have been forced and blessed to grow in my understanding of who are true friends.   I have discovered a few clues to identifying these precious souls:

1. You can ask a true friend to pray for you without qualms, and you never doubt that they will pray.

2. Keeping confidences for a true friend is not so hard, because protecting them is on your heart at all times.

3. Around a true friend I have a sense of humor - not always a good sense of humor - but I am exercising my humor muscle because I am willing to be vulnerable and I want to see my friend smile.

4.  When a true friend says an encouraging word, I know they mean it from the bottom of their toes and I carry that encouragement around like a precious jewel for weeks, pondering the implications.

5. A true friend is not afraid to tell me how I have hurt them, what I should watch out for, or where I may have a sin tendency. 

6. A friend "loves at all times", not just in between hurtful times. Prov. 17.

7. And I look forward to hanging out with them in heaven, making music together, story-telling together, worshiping together.

Carrying the secret and being a part of a long term marriage with an adulterous, emotionally abusive man, I have a significant handicap in appreciating true and healthy relationships. If I am honest, not only are such offers of friendship hard for me to spot, but I also notice my own deficiencies in friendship skills. I am thankful that friends have been patient and have come around to show me how it's done.  Being in relationship with a sex addict is the polar opposite of a true friendship; it is like having my hand on a hot stove burner. A healthy acquaintance, in comparison, is like a pot holder.  But a true friend is balm for the burn. 

Through this adversity, my eyes have been opened to God's precious gift of a few good friends.  K, S, G, J, and J, you know who you are. I am so blessed to have these godly friends!  I end with my favorite greeting card quote: "Good friends can make us laugh; great friends can make us laugh until we pee!" 

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1. For this quote and a good blog post about friendship, see, http://authenticgraceforlife.blogspot.com/2015/01/remix-stress-friendship-and-gospel.html

Christmas Eve and Cleaning Toilets

If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness....put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption." Psalm 130

This December week has been a sad time of firsts and unknowns as divorce snakes through our family life, and church disputes boil and sting. This week is the first time with separate holiday days, the first Christmas day without dad, the first Christmas eve without a church home. And it was the first time I cleaned a severely clogged toilet by myself. I plunged away after a full day of kids leaving their mess in a plugged toilet. I gagged repeatedly.

It was also a week of difficulty with the church schism - more faux intrigue, misperceptions, differing narratives, guilt trips, but also some good conversations. Just as with the marital schism, in the church I struggle with where I need to listen, where I need to repent, where I should turn away from foolishness and seek a healthy church, and where I must reject evil behavior and seek protection. My pastor reminded me, "blessed is the woman who does not ... stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers." Psalm 1:1. I picture myself standing with planted feet in the middle of a pedestrian bridge in a medieval town, a crowd pushing past me; I am irresistibly moved in the direction of the crowd. But this is not the way I am called to move - I must go the way of Christ and only Christ. The clear Way to reconciliation is to call sin, sin, and call mockery, mockery. But how do I do that? Only by recognizing my own sin: if Jesus kept a record of my sins, "who could stand"? Surely not I. The only way to face down sinners and mockers is to recognize that God sees my life, my actions, and my choices as the liquid mess in the toilet. But yet he cleanses me - with him "there is forgiveness." All the mess is flushed away in daily repentance.

Having no church home in which to worship tonight on Christmas Eve, we visited a nearby Episcopal chapel. A flute, clarinet and organ offered up a prelude, sadly out of tune. But so much was beautiful and true to pitch - the bell choir, the solo Scottish caroler, the Nicene Creed, the Lord's Prayer, and readings from Isaiah, Titus and Luke. Unfortunately the short homily was as theologically out of tune as the prelude. The minister sounded so profound in his explanation of the "christmas" message: that we humans are created in the image of God, which means that we all have the divine within us, which means that somewhere deep inside us we all have the capacity for love, hope, and compassion. Sitting in the old oak pew with blue velvet cushions, holding a candle in the darkness, I wished I had the divine capacity to love everyone and act justly flowing naturally from within, but the truth is that I am the mess in the children's bathroom, and any love that pours out of me is only because the Lord's "full redemption" has filled me up with living water.

As Oswald Chambers writes, "Beware of posing as a profound person; God became a baby."

Merry Christmas dear readers.

No Big Deal: Dating A Man Addicted to Pornography

A man who loves wisdom brings joy to his father, but a companion of prostitutes 

squanders his wealth. Proverbs 29:3

Today I learned that a young Christian woman I know, who is intelligent and from a good family,  is dating a young man who may have a serious problem with on-line pornography. This young woman has her whole life ahead of her. I hurt deeply when I think of the life of excruciating pain that she will endure married to this young man.  I know this truth because I have lived it.

 I am now a woman over 40. What would I say to my younger 20-something self? I would say first "do not marry a cultural Christian from a church-attending family, but instead marry a godly man."  Find a man who loves Jesus more than anything else, loves the Bible, loves to worship, and can sharpen you in your spiritual walk.

I would also say, if you believe that marriage will fix your boyfriend's addiction to pornography, it absolutely will not.  A deep heart transformation and love for Jesus is the only thing that will release your man from this bondage, and even then, lapses are likely, painful, and devastating. I would tell my younger self, "what you have caught him doing is only the tip of the iceberg." No matter how much he swears it's no big deal, that he doesn't look often, or that it's not his porn on the computer, he is not telling you the truth.

I would say to my younger self, imagine you find porn again a few years after the wedding and you have moved to another state and bought a first home together.  To divorce now requires pain, shame, and loss of financial security.  So he promises to stop and buys you flowers and you forgive and begin again. Now imagine several years later you have three young children and a bigger mortgage and you have scaled back your education or your career to take care of your family. Then you find hardcore porn, or some evidence of on-line chat romance or sexting.  You think of the pain for your young children to lose a father and how hard it will be as a single mom of three.  So you accept your man's promise to join a Twelve-Step group for sex addicts, your try some couples counseling, and you forge ahead.  Now imagine that you have four children, one in college, and a busy family life.  Your husband's addiction has escalated to several times a day, or perhaps to hookups or prostitutes or voyeurism. Can you imagine yourself married to a sex-offender? Telling your children that their father is in prison? Paying fifty thousand dollars for a criminal defense attorney? Or maybe you will be fortunate and the worst consequence will be that your husband treats you with contempt, loses his job and retires to the man cave with his computer. 

There is only one reason a young man looks at porn, and that is with a plan to masturbate.  He has already begun to bond as one flesh with video images of women, and to the extent he has bonded with them, he will never bond with you  - his young bride.  No matter how nice he seems, he is enjoying degrading and objectifying the women in the videos.  By this behavior he is practicing degrading and devaluing you, his future wife, in the same way someone practices a musical instrument.  He is training muscle memory and neural paths in his brain to enjoy things a certain way, to prefer a woman who does not expect intellectual or emotional engagement, a woman who does just what he imagines in his fantasies,  a woman who does not demand intimacy or promise-keeping.

I have heard many, many women say there is no life more lonely that marriage to a porn addict. I whole-heartedly agree! And I wish someone had told me that when I was 22.

You may think that looking at porn is not so bad, and indeed it may be ubiquitous.  But as the porn use and fantasy life with unreal women permeates his thoughts, and your husband's hidden shame increases, he will begin to lash out at you.  Without gospel-filled repentance, he cannot accept why he feels so awful, so he assumes it must be his wife's fault. This might start a few days or a few years after the wedding, but it is certain to start sometime. He will blame you for his problems, shame you into submission, control you into staying with him despite his inability to be emotionally present and intimate. And the verbal and emotional abuse that sex addicts inflict on their spouse is far more crushing to a wife's soul than the unfaithfulness of eyes, hands and body parts.

I would say to my younger self --- run!  Run far away, run as far as you possibly can. Turn to your dad or uncle or brother or youth pastor or any godly and courageous man in your life who is willing to protect you from this disease.  Turn to them for honest advice and prayers; ask them to walk with you as you discern  marriage. Ask God and your advisors to protect you and to guard your heart.   "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." Prov. 4:23  It has taken me a long time to realize that I cannot guard the door to my own heart - I need other Christians to stand guard for me and I must invite them to stand near me, guarding the door together.

The Gift of Excommunication: Sex Addiction and Divorce

"If forgiveness, fulfilled in reconciliation, is to occur, evil must repent with clarity and conviction...Reconciliation should not occur until there is repentance. Repentance on the part of the evil person will include a renunciation of rage and mockery. He will need to demonstrate a willingness to be humbled and broken by the weight of guilt for his use of shame and contempt. He will further desire to see wrongs righted and other relationships restored through a process of humbly asking forgiveness for the effect of his sin and through the process of carefully rebuilding trust. If such a deep change in direction does not occur, then there is a final good gift to give to an evil person - the grace of excommunication. No one can tell another with certainty when this gift should be offered."

Dan Allender, Bold Love, p. 252

There are times in life when, despite our desire to remain in relationship, we must give the gift of separation. Though it feels like death, our calling to follow Jesus must win out over our desire for companionship, for security, for preserving our image and influence in community, for preserving our nuclear family, for preserving our married state.

God gives us options and callings.  If I see any desire or effort towards transformation from my husband, then I have the option to stay and attempt reconciliation. If not, I have the option to stay married and swallow the pain of abuse and betrayal, in other words to shut down, in the hopes it will be better for my children. I have the option to leave the marriage on the grounds of sexual immorality.[1]  But Jesus continues calling through all these options; across the waves He calls our attention back to Him.  He calls us to put aside our earthly desires, and surrender fully.  He calls us to get out of the boat.[2]

I have decided, after much prayer, observation, and advice of counselors and companions, that to live a life of integrity and safety I must dissolve my marriage. I have been warned that the pain of divorce is greater than the loss of a spouse by sudden death.  Being only four weeks into this process, I heartily agree with that warning. We were joined as one flesh for decades and I am now cutting out a part of myself. Divorce is the emotional equivalent of severing your leg with a saw to escape a steel trap.

Where there is no true repentance, there can be no reconciliation. Sometimes we must follow Jesus by cutting ourselves off from that which is dead.  I truly hope my husband has a change of heart and decides to seek God; that he has an amazing conversion that is publicly known; and that someday he is transformed, healed, and freed from his bondage.  But my final good gift is to leave him in his deadness and follow where I am called.  Sometimes we must continue in our attempts to resuscitate what is dead, and sometimes we must leave that work behind. Indeed, Jesus says, "Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead." [3]

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[1] Matt 5:32 or Matt 19:19.
[2] Matt 14.
[3] Matt. 8:22; Luke 9:60.

 

Chicken & Egg: Sex Addiction & Verbal Abuse

"The outcome of lust is always some form of mis-use, absorption, and devaluation."

 Dan Allender, Bold Love, p. 106.  

Not long ago I asked my husband something every wife of a sex addict in recovery should ask: "how long since you talked to your sponsor?"  After pressing for an answer, he admitted it had been over five weeks.  I had previously set a parameter  -  three weeks without sponsor contact means you move out.  But of course I didn't know what to do. 

A man investing regularly in pornography must necessarily talk down to his wife and put her in her place; pornography trains a man’s mind to objectify and use others.[1] There is always an excuse for not connecting with a sponsor - work has been stressful, for example.  I came to understand this means: "I have been acting out at work and I didn't want to call my sponsor because he will make me uncomfortable." 

I asked, "were you going to tell me?"  My husband answered: "No, I was going to do something about it."  So I prayed for wisdom - seems like I am praying for that a lot lately!  What do I do here, Lord?  The word that came to me from a friend:  require my husband to make contact with his sponsor before the day ended. My husband left a phone message with his sponsor. 

The next day came. I waited all day for some word from my husband that he has spoken with his sponsor.  I hoped for a text, an e-mail, any drive-by would do.  My anxiety increased over the day - what would happen!??  We went to an evening event together and no word.  I did a late night grocery run, but no word.  I sat alone in a car filled with groceries in the dark driveway weeping and wondering what to do.  That's when I realized: I don't have the courage to go into the house and ask him to move out, and I don't have the courage to go into the house and allow him to stay. I am frozen.   

At 10 PM my husband mentions that he had a good talk with his sponsor that morning.
Me: "Well, did you think maybe I might be waiting to hear whether you called your sponsor?"
Him: "I didn't realize."  (Weeks later he admitted that not telling me was an intentional response to avoid interacting with me.)  
Me: "Did you realize I might be having a rough day worrying that everything would unravel tonight?"
Him: "You should have trusted me to call my sponsor because I said I would." 
Me: "Well, given the history of trust broken, that sounds a bit crazy to me."  
Him: "Now you are attacking me - you are calling me insane. Your treatment of me is so unfair." 

This, dear friends, is a script from the manual for verbal abuse - blame shifting and diverting.[2]  It was my fault that I was worried, because I didn't trust him.  It would be my fault if I asked him to move out.  I am being a bad person by not trusting that he would call his sponsor and I am being difficult by attacking him. I am unreasonable when I expect that he will communicate the status. There were no words that showed empathy - only defensiveness and blame. And yet it feels so natural to question my own words and motives when the one human being who knows me best explains how I have erred grievously and been so unfair to him.[3]

What comes first - the verbal abuse that allows the sex addict to act out because his wife seems so difficult to control, or the sexual acting out that requires an addict to devalue his wife in order to justify his shameful abandonment of vows. What do you think? Chicken or egg?

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[1] Laurie Hall, The Cleavers Don’t Live Here Any More, p. 135-38, also citing, Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond (May 1992), New edition, Jan. 2010.
[2] See, e.g., The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change? P. Evans.
[3] Weeks later I learned that at the same time he was telling me I should have trusted him to call his sponsor, he was keeping vital information from me about his years of sexual acting out with prostitutes.