Part 1: The Clothing of Identity; the Nakedness of Divorce.

You turned my loud crying into dancing.
    You removed my clothes of sadness and dressed me with joy.

Psalm 30:11 (NIRV)

With the divorce finalized, it is time to remove the wedding ring. This is something I have been dreading. Some who have faced divorce are eager to tear off the symbol of their covenant when their spouse has betrayed them.  So why is this such a difficult step for me? It is just a tiny gold band that I've hardly noticed over the years; it has become a part of my body - never removed.  When I finally take it off and go out in public, I feel naked and self-conscious.  I hide my left hand from friends and counselors, even though they know my story well. Why? Perhaps because this ring has been my protective clothing - my identity - through decades of marriage.

Throughout the Bible, being "clothed" is all about identity. For example, Jesus commands his followers to wait in Jerusalem until they are clothed in the power of the Holy Spirit. Luke 24. (1)  He tells them, "If you go out as missionaries before you are clothed in power, your words alone are not going to be enough."  "Clothed" here in Luke connotes both sitting under a waterfall - being bathed or covered continuously - and also has the image of a tattoo parlor - a body covered in messages and beliefs.  In other words, until your personality is taken over by God, you need to sit down and wait; you need to get alone with God and get dressed in the Spirit.

In Genesis, the first couple try, but fail, to clothe themselves.  God rescues the man and wife by making clothes for them. Gen. 3:21.(2)  With Gideon, we are told that the Spirit of the Lord clothed Gideon with power. Judges 6:34.(3) Elijah transferred his authority as a prophet to Elisha by transferring his cloak of power, the same cloak that divided the river.  I Kings 19:19.(4)  Things really change when you are clothed with power! And when the blind beggar was being ushered to Jesus, he threw off his essential beggar's garments, trusting in advance that he would no longer be blind after meeting Jesus. Mark 10: 48-49.(5) Taking off and putting on clothing in scripture is all about identity. To be "clothed" is to have your identity changed. 

Of course, the greatest "clothing" promise is explained by the Apostle Paul: "This is because all of you who were baptized into Christ have put on Christ.  You have put him on as if he were your clothes." Ga. 3:28 (NIVRV).  Quite simply, in baptism we joyfully take on His identity.  In divorce, we painfully take off the clothing of our married identity. 

The Proverbs 31 wife is "clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." (6) The wife of a sex addict cries out with loneliness, and divorce brings weeping and sorrow unlike any other damaged relationship.  Even when my husband has covered me with shame, it is gloriously hopeful to me that since Christ clothes me with strength and dignity, perhaps someday Jesus will remove my "clothes of sadness" so that I can be "dressed with joy" and laugh again. Psalm 30:11.

Next time I will write about the clothing described  in Malachi 2.

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(1) Luke 24:49:  "I am going to send you what my Father has promised; but stay in the city until you have been clothed with power from on high." Luke 24:49
(2) Genesis 3:21: "The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them."
(3) Judges 6:34 (ESV) "But the Spirit of the Lord clothed Gideon, and he sounded he trumpet, and the Abiezrites were called out to follow him."
(4) I Kings 19:19 "...Elijah went up to him (Elisha).  He threw his coat around him."
(5) Mark 10:48-49.  Jesus stopped and said, "Call him" (the blind beggar). So they called to the blind man, "Cheer up! On your feet! He's calling you." Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus."
(6) Prov. 31:25

Verbal Abuse: A Dangerous Box of Chocolates

 "From outward appearances I had it all: a great job, home, car, and two beautiful children. Yet I
was broken and needed healing. In my brokenness, my husband became my protection. I created a false sense of happiness amid his controlling behavior.  Verbal abuse turned into emotional, spiritual, and physical abuse in a matter of months." Tawana Davis, Christianity Today (Jan/Feb. 2015).

This author goes on to describe an incident of great physical violence against her at the hand of her husband.  And it wasn't until years later that she realized she had been a victim of domestic violence.

In the same issue of CT, others wrote, "One in four American women experiences violence from her partner at some point in her adult life" and, "women with strong religious backgrounds often are less likely to believe that violence against them is wrong. Abused women who are Christian may try to understand their suffering by believing it is "God's will" or "part of God's plan for my life."(1)

The ideas in these articles are surprising to me - that verbal and emotional abuse can turn physical in a matter of months even after many years of marriage; that one can be assaulted by a spouse and not realize the significance; that the worldview of Christian women can make them particularly susceptible to long-suffering in the face of an abusive marriage.

Several years ago, I was working on a church gardening project with two nurses.  They noticed my excessive sneezing and strongly encouraged me to seek allergy testing and shots.  As a result, I was diagnosed as allergic to walnuts, almonds, and other tree nuts.  I endured 5 years of shots and I carry an EpiPen at all times. These two women's observation of my physical reaction, their validation of my situation, and their encouragement to action probably saved my life, or at least saved me a life-threatening crisis.  Now, when I approach a box of chocolates, I experience apprehension, fear even. If I pick the wrong one I could have a reaction. When someone quips, "Life is like a box of chocolates; ya never know whatyer gonna get" I think - how true!

More recently, Christian friends may have saved my life in a different way. My husband was a verbal and emotional abuser. He was covert, subtle, and smart about it; when no one was around, my spirit and soul were repeatedly crushed.  I sought and found guidance from other Christians, and Jesus the great Healer began a work of restoration in me.  But abusers do not like it when you respond in a healthy, self-protective manner; they desperately need to keep you under their thumb in order to feel whole themselves. My husband would say repeatedly, "I can't ever encourage you in anything, because then I can't control you." As I started the slow crawl out of the swamp to emotional health, my husband became more angry, more heated, with more finger waving, stronger words, and more physical reactions.  One day he threw some yard equipment in my direction and started up a machine near my face which kicked up rocks. But I had friends who listened well, observed, validated my reactions, and encouraged me on how to protect and take care of myself.  I will never know for certain, but if Ms. Davis is correct in her quote above, then I may have been living on the brink of physical abuse in my home.

What is my point? Verbal abuse is a dangerous box of chocolates.  Speaking truth to a friend may save her life. Listening well and validating her feelings and reactions may help her process the dangerous secret events that could add up to something much worse than chocolate covered nuts.  And carry an EpiPen full of scripture, hymns and spiritual songs to inject yourself as needed.** 

For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand

and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

Isaiah 41:13

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(1) Lindsey and Justin Holcomb, authors of "Is it My Fault? Hope and Healing for Those Suffering Domestic Violence."

A Broken Marriage Reveals True Friends

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.

Prov. 17:17

I recently read that the meaning of life is "to find out who and what are true friends."(1) While this is not a catechism answer, it is worth pondering.  In times of adversity, we discover who will walk with us as brothers and sisters in Christ.

Through my own crisis of abandonment and betrayal by my spouse, I have been forced and blessed to grow in my understanding of who are true friends.   I have discovered a few clues to identifying these precious souls:

1. You can ask a true friend to pray for you without qualms, and you never doubt that they will pray.

2. Keeping confidences for a true friend is not so hard, because protecting them is on your heart at all times.

3. Around a true friend I have a sense of humor - not always a good sense of humor - but I am exercising my humor muscle because I am willing to be vulnerable and I want to see my friend smile.

4.  When a true friend says an encouraging word, I know they mean it from the bottom of their toes and I carry that encouragement around like a precious jewel for weeks, pondering the implications.

5. A true friend is not afraid to tell me how I have hurt them, what I should watch out for, or where I may have a sin tendency. 

6. A friend "loves at all times", not just in between hurtful times. Prov. 17.

7. And I look forward to hanging out with them in heaven, making music together, story-telling together, worshiping together.

Carrying the secret and being a part of a long term marriage with an adulterous, emotionally abusive man, I have a significant handicap in appreciating true and healthy relationships. If I am honest, not only are such offers of friendship hard for me to spot, but I also notice my own deficiencies in friendship skills. I am thankful that friends have been patient and have come around to show me how it's done.  Being in relationship with a sex addict is the polar opposite of a true friendship; it is like having my hand on a hot stove burner. A healthy acquaintance, in comparison, is like a pot holder.  But a true friend is balm for the burn. 

Through this adversity, my eyes have been opened to God's precious gift of a few good friends.  K, S, G, J, and J, you know who you are. I am so blessed to have these godly friends!  I end with my favorite greeting card quote: "Good friends can make us laugh; great friends can make us laugh until we pee!" 

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1. For this quote and a good blog post about friendship, see, http://authenticgraceforlife.blogspot.com/2015/01/remix-stress-friendship-and-gospel.html

Christmas Eve and Cleaning Toilets

If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness....put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption." Psalm 130

This December week has been a sad time of firsts and unknowns as divorce snakes through our family life, and church disputes boil and sting. This week is the first time with separate holiday days, the first Christmas day without dad, the first Christmas eve without a church home. And it was the first time I cleaned a severely clogged toilet by myself. I plunged away after a full day of kids leaving their mess in a plugged toilet. I gagged repeatedly.

It was also a week of difficulty with the church schism - more faux intrigue, misperceptions, differing narratives, guilt trips, but also some good conversations. Just as with the marital schism, in the church I struggle with where I need to listen, where I need to repent, where I should turn away from foolishness and seek a healthy church, and where I must reject evil behavior and seek protection. My pastor reminded me, "blessed is the woman who does not ... stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers." Psalm 1:1. I picture myself standing with planted feet in the middle of a pedestrian bridge in a medieval town, a crowd pushing past me; I am irresistibly moved in the direction of the crowd. But this is not the way I am called to move - I must go the way of Christ and only Christ. The clear Way to reconciliation is to call sin, sin, and call mockery, mockery. But how do I do that? Only by recognizing my own sin: if Jesus kept a record of my sins, "who could stand"? Surely not I. The only way to face down sinners and mockers is to recognize that God sees my life, my actions, and my choices as the liquid mess in the toilet. But yet he cleanses me - with him "there is forgiveness." All the mess is flushed away in daily repentance.

Having no church home in which to worship tonight on Christmas Eve, we visited a nearby Episcopal chapel. A flute, clarinet and organ offered up a prelude, sadly out of tune. But so much was beautiful and true to pitch - the bell choir, the solo Scottish caroler, the Nicene Creed, the Lord's Prayer, and readings from Isaiah, Titus and Luke. Unfortunately the short homily was as theologically out of tune as the prelude. The minister sounded so profound in his explanation of the "christmas" message: that we humans are created in the image of God, which means that we all have the divine within us, which means that somewhere deep inside us we all have the capacity for love, hope, and compassion. Sitting in the old oak pew with blue velvet cushions, holding a candle in the darkness, I wished I had the divine capacity to love everyone and act justly flowing naturally from within, but the truth is that I am the mess in the children's bathroom, and any love that pours out of me is only because the Lord's "full redemption" has filled me up with living water.

As Oswald Chambers writes, "Beware of posing as a profound person; God became a baby."

Merry Christmas dear readers.

No Big Deal: Dating A Man Addicted to Pornography

A man who loves wisdom brings joy to his father, but a companion of prostitutes 

squanders his wealth. Proverbs 29:3

Today I learned that a young Christian woman I know, who is intelligent and from a good family,  is dating a young man who may have a serious problem with on-line pornography. This young woman has her whole life ahead of her. I hurt deeply when I think of the life of excruciating pain that she will endure married to this young man.  I know this truth because I have lived it.

 I am now a woman over 40. What would I say to my younger 20-something self? I would say first "do not marry a cultural Christian from a church-attending family, but instead marry a godly man."  Find a man who loves Jesus more than anything else, loves the Bible, loves to worship, and can sharpen you in your spiritual walk.

I would also say, if you believe that marriage will fix your boyfriend's addiction to pornography, it absolutely will not.  A deep heart transformation and love for Jesus is the only thing that will release your man from this bondage, and even then, lapses are likely, painful, and devastating. I would tell my younger self, "what you have caught him doing is only the tip of the iceberg." No matter how much he swears it's no big deal, that he doesn't look often, or that it's not his porn on the computer, he is not telling you the truth.

I would say to my younger self, imagine you find porn again a few years after the wedding and you have moved to another state and bought a first home together.  To divorce now requires pain, shame, and loss of financial security.  So he promises to stop and buys you flowers and you forgive and begin again. Now imagine several years later you have three young children and a bigger mortgage and you have scaled back your education or your career to take care of your family. Then you find hardcore porn, or some evidence of on-line chat romance or sexting.  You think of the pain for your young children to lose a father and how hard it will be as a single mom of three.  So you accept your man's promise to join a Twelve-Step group for sex addicts, your try some couples counseling, and you forge ahead.  Now imagine that you have four children, one in college, and a busy family life.  Your husband's addiction has escalated to several times a day, or perhaps to hookups or prostitutes or voyeurism. Can you imagine yourself married to a sex-offender? Telling your children that their father is in prison? Paying fifty thousand dollars for a criminal defense attorney? Or maybe you will be fortunate and the worst consequence will be that your husband treats you with contempt, loses his job and retires to the man cave with his computer. 

There is only one reason a young man looks at porn, and that is with a plan to masturbate.  He has already begun to bond as one flesh with video images of women, and to the extent he has bonded with them, he will never bond with you  - his young bride.  No matter how nice he seems, he is enjoying degrading and objectifying the women in the videos.  By this behavior he is practicing degrading and devaluing you, his future wife, in the same way someone practices a musical instrument.  He is training muscle memory and neural paths in his brain to enjoy things a certain way, to prefer a woman who does not expect intellectual or emotional engagement, a woman who does just what he imagines in his fantasies,  a woman who does not demand intimacy or promise-keeping.

I have heard many, many women say there is no life more lonely that marriage to a porn addict. I whole-heartedly agree! And I wish someone had told me that when I was 22.

You may think that looking at porn is not so bad, and indeed it may be ubiquitous.  But as the porn use and fantasy life with unreal women permeates his thoughts, and your husband's hidden shame increases, he will begin to lash out at you.  Without gospel-filled repentance, he cannot accept why he feels so awful, so he assumes it must be his wife's fault. This might start a few days or a few years after the wedding, but it is certain to start sometime. He will blame you for his problems, shame you into submission, control you into staying with him despite his inability to be emotionally present and intimate. And the verbal and emotional abuse that sex addicts inflict on their spouse is far more crushing to a wife's soul than the unfaithfulness of eyes, hands and body parts.

I would say to my younger self --- run!  Run far away, run as far as you possibly can. Turn to your dad or uncle or brother or youth pastor or any godly and courageous man in your life who is willing to protect you from this disease.  Turn to them for honest advice and prayers; ask them to walk with you as you discern  marriage. Ask God and your advisors to protect you and to guard your heart.   "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." Prov. 4:23  It has taken me a long time to realize that I cannot guard the door to my own heart - I need other Christians to stand guard for me and I must invite them to stand near me, guarding the door together.

The Gift of Excommunication: Sex Addiction and Divorce

"If forgiveness, fulfilled in reconciliation, is to occur, evil must repent with clarity and conviction...Reconciliation should not occur until there is repentance. Repentance on the part of the evil person will include a renunciation of rage and mockery. He will need to demonstrate a willingness to be humbled and broken by the weight of guilt for his use of shame and contempt. He will further desire to see wrongs righted and other relationships restored through a process of humbly asking forgiveness for the effect of his sin and through the process of carefully rebuilding trust. If such a deep change in direction does not occur, then there is a final good gift to give to an evil person - the grace of excommunication. No one can tell another with certainty when this gift should be offered."

Dan Allender, Bold Love, p. 252

There are times in life when, despite our desire to remain in relationship, we must give the gift of separation. Though it feels like death, our calling to follow Jesus must win out over our desire for companionship, for security, for preserving our image and influence in community, for preserving our nuclear family, for preserving our married state.

God gives us options and callings.  If I see any desire or effort towards transformation from my husband, then I have the option to stay and attempt reconciliation. If not, I have the option to stay married and swallow the pain of abuse and betrayal, in other words to shut down, in the hopes it will be better for my children. I have the option to leave the marriage on the grounds of sexual immorality.[1]  But Jesus continues calling through all these options; across the waves He calls our attention back to Him.  He calls us to put aside our earthly desires, and surrender fully.  He calls us to get out of the boat.[2]

I have decided, after much prayer, observation, and advice of counselors and companions, that to live a life of integrity and safety I must dissolve my marriage. I have been warned that the pain of divorce is greater than the loss of a spouse by sudden death.  Being only four weeks into this process, I heartily agree with that warning. We were joined as one flesh for decades and I am now cutting out a part of myself. Divorce is the emotional equivalent of severing your leg with a saw to escape a steel trap.

Where there is no true repentance, there can be no reconciliation. Sometimes we must follow Jesus by cutting ourselves off from that which is dead.  I truly hope my husband has a change of heart and decides to seek God; that he has an amazing conversion that is publicly known; and that someday he is transformed, healed, and freed from his bondage.  But my final good gift is to leave him in his deadness and follow where I am called.  Sometimes we must continue in our attempts to resuscitate what is dead, and sometimes we must leave that work behind. Indeed, Jesus says, "Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead." [3]

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[1] Matt 5:32 or Matt 19:19.
[2] Matt 14.
[3] Matt. 8:22; Luke 9:60.

 

Chicken & Egg: Sex Addiction & Verbal Abuse

"The outcome of lust is always some form of mis-use, absorption, and devaluation."

 Dan Allender, Bold Love, p. 106.  

Not long ago I asked my husband something every wife of a sex addict in recovery should ask: "how long since you talked to your sponsor?"  After pressing for an answer, he admitted it had been over five weeks.  I had previously set a parameter  -  three weeks without sponsor contact means you move out.  But of course I didn't know what to do. 

A man investing regularly in pornography must necessarily talk down to his wife and put her in her place; pornography trains a man’s mind to objectify and use others.[1] There is always an excuse for not connecting with a sponsor - work has been stressful, for example.  I came to understand this means: "I have been acting out at work and I didn't want to call my sponsor because he will make me uncomfortable." 

I asked, "were you going to tell me?"  My husband answered: "No, I was going to do something about it."  So I prayed for wisdom - seems like I am praying for that a lot lately!  What do I do here, Lord?  The word that came to me from a friend:  require my husband to make contact with his sponsor before the day ended. My husband left a phone message with his sponsor. 

The next day came. I waited all day for some word from my husband that he has spoken with his sponsor.  I hoped for a text, an e-mail, any drive-by would do.  My anxiety increased over the day - what would happen!??  We went to an evening event together and no word.  I did a late night grocery run, but no word.  I sat alone in a car filled with groceries in the dark driveway weeping and wondering what to do.  That's when I realized: I don't have the courage to go into the house and ask him to move out, and I don't have the courage to go into the house and allow him to stay. I am frozen.   

At 10 PM my husband mentions that he had a good talk with his sponsor that morning.
Me: "Well, did you think maybe I might be waiting to hear whether you called your sponsor?"
Him: "I didn't realize."  (Weeks later he admitted that not telling me was an intentional response to avoid interacting with me.)  
Me: "Did you realize I might be having a rough day worrying that everything would unravel tonight?"
Him: "You should have trusted me to call my sponsor because I said I would." 
Me: "Well, given the history of trust broken, that sounds a bit crazy to me."  
Him: "Now you are attacking me - you are calling me insane. Your treatment of me is so unfair." 

This, dear friends, is a script from the manual for verbal abuse - blame shifting and diverting.[2]  It was my fault that I was worried, because I didn't trust him.  It would be my fault if I asked him to move out.  I am being a bad person by not trusting that he would call his sponsor and I am being difficult by attacking him. I am unreasonable when I expect that he will communicate the status. There were no words that showed empathy - only defensiveness and blame. And yet it feels so natural to question my own words and motives when the one human being who knows me best explains how I have erred grievously and been so unfair to him.[3]

What comes first - the verbal abuse that allows the sex addict to act out because his wife seems so difficult to control, or the sexual acting out that requires an addict to devalue his wife in order to justify his shameful abandonment of vows. What do you think? Chicken or egg?

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[1] Laurie Hall, The Cleavers Don’t Live Here Any More, p. 135-38, also citing, Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond (May 1992), New edition, Jan. 2010.
[2] See, e.g., The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change? P. Evans.
[3] Weeks later I learned that at the same time he was telling me I should have trusted him to call his sponsor, he was keeping vital information from me about his years of sexual acting out with prostitutes.  

Living In The Moment of Shattered Glass

For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you....This is what the Lord says to you: ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s....You will not have to fight this battle. ...Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.’” 

II Chronicles 20: 12, 15, 17.

I was sitting in the back seat of a small car in Italy. My husband was driving. As we slowed down to make a right turn, something all American drivers do by habit but Italians would never consider doing, a man on a motorcycle drove up our back windshield and onto the roof of the car.  His bike was mangled, but fortunately no one was hurt.  In that brief moment when I turned my head around to view the source of the bump and crash, I saw the entire windshield had turned from clear glass to a watery Mediterranean blue. Thousands of crackles formed dime-size pieces of glass all held in place for a split second, just before every tiny piece rained down like a small waterfall onto the back windowsill.

When the vast army is around you, and the Holy Spirit has opened your eyes to see it, you feel as though you are living in the moment of shattered glass. It is the moment you must decide - this battle is not yours, but God's. He says "you will not have to fight this battle." Indeed, with sex addiction, you absolutely cannot fight this battle - you will lose every time.

Facing unrepentant sexual acting out and the accompanying distancing and verbal abuse makes me physically shaky on many days - I am the crashed window briefly holding myself together. The vast army is the sex trade, the millions of online porn movie producers, the women selling services just blocks from our house, the tantalizing shops, the lions circling my husband.  

On the worst weeks my stomach is in perpetual knots. Still, God says "do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army." This is not a winsome promise, but a command! How do I respond to this command? I have no strength left in me to stand up on the battlefield - I am shattered glass. Only by God's grace can I avoid despair.

There is a Bible story told to children that illustrates a man in a battle where the only option left is to trust God to do all the fighting and protecting. Daniel is given a death sentence and imprisoned in a den of hungry lions.[1] In the earliest days of facing my husband's sexual addiction my children were young. They learned the Sunday school song "Daniel in the Lion's Den" which had the prayerful line "Angels shut the lions' mouths, oh angels shut the lions' mouths." I often sang that verse under my breath, pleading that the angels would shut the mouths of the lions circling around my husband. But like Daniel, I cannot fight the battle. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you Lord.


 

[1] Daniel 6

The Other Women: Of Prostitutes & Parables

Jesus' Parable of the Two Sons: “What do you think? There was a man who had two sons. He went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and work today in the vineyard.’ “‘I will not,’ he answered, but later he changed his mind and went.“Then the father went to the other son and said the same thing. He answered, ‘I will, sir,’ but he did not go. “Which of the two did what his father wanted?” “The first,” they answered.  Jesus said to them, “Truly I tell you, the tax collectors and the prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God ahead of you." 

Matt: 21:28-31

Pornography is both the seed and the fertilizer for planting desires we should not grow. The harvest is the same whether in a marriage or in sex trafficking - using others, usually using women. The devaluation of a spouse by her husband is no less traumatizing than the “using” behavior of the men making profits from the sex trade - both are violent to the soul and body - sister sins, as it were.

You may call me crazy, but today my heart is breaking for the many women my husband has used as prostitutes. Facing my husband's life-long sex addiction, I have experienced only a slow drip of the toxins called de-valuation and contempt, compared to the tidal wave most prostitutes must endure every day.  What terrible things must have been done to these women, to bring them to the cold place where they could sell intimate and private bodily actions for money? What terrible abuse was happening to them just before and after that trick, to force them to do it again and to force them to turn over the money to a controlling and abusive man? How much physical and emotional violence must they have suffered over the years? What dangers and diseases were they forced to absorb? How many johns does it take to steal your self-esteem? Who physically or emotionally or sexually abused them as girls and young women, causing so much deep hurt that the only perceived option was to run away and never come back?

Why did they not have anyone, anyone at all, to help them move away from this ugly, soul-numbing existence?  Where was their family, their community, their neighborhood church? Who gave them the first drugs leading to addiction and sexual bondage?  What young man deceived them with false promises of love and protection?  How many awful words and touches have they endured from unhealthy, selfish men?  Where are the godly men who can protect them? Where is the Church?

How long, oh Lord?

I forgive you sisters!

**

Bombs and Pickles: Once A Sex Addict Always A Sex Addict

Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body?

For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” 1 Corinthians 6:16

I have not been able to write for several weeks.  It was then that my husband confessed to more sexual indiscretions than I had ever imagined.  It seems that, in addition to the escalating involvement with cyber-porn, he had neglected to tell me a year ago (when he was "coming clean" and we were starting over with forgiveness and healing) that he also had been with prostitutes, not just two times very long ago, but at least 10 times in the last several years. This news was more than I could bear.  I have been working on healing for my soul and reconciliation in our relationship for over a year.  I have been reading volumes on addiction, trauma, verbal abuse, and depression, meeting with counselors, investing in physical health, rebuilding our sexual relationship,  recovering my sense of self, and re-learning spiritual discernment.  But he didn't tell me the full extent of his sexual misbehaviors. Not Even Close. 

You can't forgive what you don't know. You can't heal a relationship where there are still secrets. Forgiveness is a given, but holding open the door for repentance and reconciliation is the hard work of being a Christ-follower.  Still, the one betrayed cannot write the script of repentance for the offender, and cannot walk through the open door for the offender.  

I wish I had been advised early on to attend a "3-day intensive", which is a counseling marathon with polygraph and assisted disclosures. My husband reminds me of the AA wisdom discussed often in his 12-Step Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) group: "Once you are a pickle, you can never go back to being a cucumber."  This slogan, borrowed from Alcoholics Anonymous, teaches that a person does not stop being an alcoholic (or sexaholic) and must always be vigilant, fleeing from evil and avoiding that first drink. (But think about it - isn't that pickle a spectacularly bad analogy when applied to Sexaholic's Anonymous?)  I see many addicts using this slogan to justify why they are not being transformed, not "working the 12 Step program." They evade sponsor accountability, hold on to old resentments, and avoid steps towards healing important relationships. 

Jesus has a very different view of us; to Him we are no longer pickles. You will not find "pickle" by searching in www.biblegateway.com, but you will find that God sees you as an adopted son or daughter, with all the privileges of sonship. Gal. 4:4-5. You may have missed my newest translation of Gal. 4:7: "So you are no longer a pickled sinful slave to sexual addiction, but God's fresh cucumber-like child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir, like a cucumber re-attached to its vine." Someday I want to sell T-shirts for addicts in recovery that say: "Jesus Saves" on the front and "God Sees You As A Cucumber!" on the back.  That, my friends, is the very center of the gospel.

A dialogue with a Christian friend followed these new disclosures.  I offer it in case you are in this same place of attempting discernment while still in shock:

Friend:  "Do you believe this marriage is unrepairable?"

Me:  "Yes, no, yes, no. Depends which minute of the day you ask.  My theology says nothing is out of His reach. My heart says I don't expect my husband can change.  Is that a lack of faith?"

Friend: "No. It is reality. Only God's grace can change a heart bound by sin. Your task is to prayerfully consider whether he wants to be transformed. If yes, then yes. If no, then no."

Thank you friend! This formation of the question has been immeasurably valuable. The question is not whether God can save my husband. (Of course He can!) The question is not whether we want to honor our covenant marriage vows, in sickness and in health. (We do!) The question is not whether my husband wishes he were not an addict. (He does!) The question is whether my husband wants to be transformed. Jesus is asking my husband the same question He asks each of us: Do You Want To Be Healed? (Or rather, do you want to be a cucumber attached to the vine?)