For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. Ephesians 2:8-9
Can you be converted when you are already a Christian? Can you have two awakenings? It is a mystery, but that is my story. After my re-awakening, I read of Blaise Pascal's similar path - a Christian upbringing, then a first and a second more overwhelming conversion experience.[1] Even now I still find there are no words to describe conversion; I can only concur with a modern writer who said, "although grateful, I did not perceive conversion to be a blessing. It was a train wreck."[2] I too found conversion to be more like a crash landing - scary, unexpected, leaving one bruised and battered but ecstatic to be alive. It is life changing, but never easy. It is extraordinarily private, yet somehow outward-facing.[3]
To explain my crash landing conversion, I simply explained to folks that God was taking very good care of me. There were so many blessings, so many people, so many activities set in place in advance to help me dig out of the avalanche of betrayal trauma. God had a plan to carry me through rejection, separation, and divorce from my spouse, my church, my denomination, even my heritage. Post-conversion, nearly everything was broken or breaking. But God strips us bare for His good purposes.
By confessing simply that "God is taking very good care of me" I was describing in elementary school terms what theologians refer to as His "faithfulness" and "providence." Even now, the simple words are more true to my ears.
Yesterday, I walked alone on a cold ocean beach praying, asking for discernment about where the Lord is leading me next, asking Him to show me whether this heart tug I feel to help a church plant is God's call or my own self-centeredness. Honestly, I confuse the two all the time. I was also repenting for being a disappointing daughter who took His care for granted, didn't stay in touch, didn't listen to His words. I repented for tasks I had not done, for failures as a wife, a church member, a peacemaker, a follower, a friend. But then I was given the words very clearly: "You don't have to do anything." For some reason these words kept pushing through my thoughts - I believe they were from the Holy Spirit. They didn't even make much sense to me at the time. But for some reason these words brought comfort and I wept.
English speakers often ask each other, "How are you doing?" or "How's it going?" Spanish speakers say instead, "how are you being?" It seems to me that "being" is more in sync with the Christian life than doing or even going. (Although Jonah did have to go at some point.)
I really don't have to do anything to be accepted by God. This deep realization sets me free - free to go where called - not because of my religious "to do" list, but because God accepts me, which paradoxically sets me free to serve as I am gifted, with whatever talents and resources I have, wherever He leads. Today I am finally free to say, "okay God, it's not rational, but I will go where you call me to go." Who knows if I will be of much help, or if I will accomplish anything tangible? Who knows if I will be busy for the Lord or idle for the Lord if I go? But now I am convicted: I don't have to DO anything to gain God's acceptance, just follow and listen and walk.
Later I realized the fullness of these words gifted to me on the beach. Martin Luther, a budding lawyer and later a monk, found Paul saying the same thing in Romans 1 and Ephesians 2: it is only by grace that we are saved, not by doing anything.[4] For Luther also, the weight of the world was lifted when God made clear to him that he didn't have to DO anything. Just BE a child of the King. And then Luther went. Some might say he accomplished a few things along the way.
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[1] B. Pascal, The Pensees (The Memorial parchment)
[2] Rosario Champagne Butterfield, The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert (2015). p. 25
[3] M. Scott Peck, a famous psychiatrist, has an equally humorous description of religious conversion, written before he became a Christian: "We are accustomed to imagining the experience of conversion or sudden call to grace as an "Oh, joy!" phenomenon. In my experience, more often than not it is, at least partially, an "Oh Shit" phenomenon." The Road Less Traveled, 1978, Walker & Co., p. 417.
[4] See, e.g., Martin Luther, "Freedom of A Christian" on the concept of grace. (1520)
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