Part 2: The Journey of Healing Begins With A Prayer

“Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress, be merciful to me and hear my prayer.” Psalm 4:1

I myself find it hard to believe that a high-powered professional with a downtown corner office and well-honed negotiation skills can be an abused spouse, living in fear and emotional pain.  But we are all around you.  As I studied the effects of sexual addiction on spouses, I learned that the elements of emotional abuse - shame plus abandonment -  are the natural result of the compulsive use of pornography. It is a sad truth that the outcome of adulterous lust is always some form of “mis-use, absorbtion, devaluation” of the spouse.[1] A man using pornography must put others down and cannot recognize his spouse as a living soul with gifts to bring and songs to sing - because that would block his consuming at-will for pleasure. If you are a spouse that is regularly undermined, trivialized, blamed, criticized, discounted, blocked, diverted from getting information or met with silence, this is the very essence of verbal abuse. It took me a very long time to realize this truth; please be patient with yourself and be forgiving of yourself if you also take a long time to figure out whether this glove fits you. 

In a worship service one year ago, during a time of silent prayer, I cried out to God for help in my lonely and painful marriage.  I asked God to intervene  - to bring a non-life-threatening crisis that would bring my husband to the bottom in order to raise up healing. I did not know it then, but it was a battle cry begging God to destroy that which was destroying our marriage.  Within two hours of that prayer, my husband had a severe breakdown - mental, emotional and spiritual.  Over the months that followed, it slowly came out that for the last 15 years he had continued in his pornography addiction while pretending sobriety. Suddenly my husband was not the person I thought; he revealed cheating on me with online videos multiple times a day, and the problem had been escalating severely in the months preceding that Sunday prayer. But much worse, he confirmed what I had suspected for months - that he had walked away from his Christian faith. For my husband, God was an irrational crutch for lesser minds. For me, I was now a spiritual widow with no sympathy cards.

Wherever you are in your journey, whether you are a newly married wife and wondering whether something is wrong, or you have recently discovered that your "Christian" husband is in bondage to pornography or other sexual compulsion, or if you are in the midst of waging the battle for your marriage, or if you have been forced to end a marriage due to sexual infidelity but still need to taste the healing that only Jesus brings, prayer is the best place to start.  Prayer is the only place to start. Pray for mercy, pray for relief from distress, pray for discernment, pray for protection and, if you can, pray for your husband. Or if you are so saddened that coherent prayer is difficult, please know that many women have been in that dark pit and the Holy Spirit is praying on your behalf. 

---

[1]   Dr. Dan Allender & Dr. Tremper Longman III, Bold Love, p. 106  (1992).

Part 1: When the Sex Addiction "Bomb" Detonated in My Living Room

History Before Theology

How did this journey begin? How does a Christian wife find herself married to a porn addict? What is sexual addiction? Before the theology must come the history, the events, the characters.  In the next few posts I will share some of my personal testimony. If you find yourself in a similar place, may God bless you and lead you to resources and people that will help you through this trauma. Rest assured that although it may not feel like it, God has already set in place a plan to care for you in this difficult time. 

__________________________________________

A young married couple set off for graduate school together, pulling a trailer loaded with hope and wedding gifts. Although we did not know it then, we also pulled the baggage of my husband’s growing addiction into the marriage. As time went on, the pressure of graduate school and the anxieties of starting a professional life blanketed my confusion and dull ache.  When our first child was born I prayed fervent new parent prayers. Later, awake in the dark night with my 2-year old son, I wept and prayed that God would shape my husband into the father God intended him to be.  Even then I knew God hears our prayers, but He has taught me since that answers can arrive in excruciating and foundation-shattering ways. And when we pray for God to change others, He often changes us.

Soon after that midnight prayer, God revealed to me for the first time my husband’s internet pornography habits. A few months later, on an evening when I returned home exhausted from a day of business travel, my husband confessed to heavy use of hardcore on-line porn and infidelity with prostitutes. Not knowing where to turn for help, I joined S-Anon, a support group for spouses of sex addicts, where women refer to such confessions as “the day the bomb went off in my living room.”  I learned that pornography is more addictive than cocaine or alcohol.[1]  We talked to a minister. My husband joined the 12-step group Sexaholics Anonymous  (“SA”) and promised to live a married life free of pornography.

Although we were blessed with children and career success, our relationship continued to deteriorate over the years. Perhaps deteriorate is not honest; perhaps I have never been a part of a healthy marriage. Couples counseling had little effect because the devaluation and shaming of the spouse that springs out of a sexual addiction is subtle, covert and private. Sex addicts struggle with being emotionally present, including in counseling. And sex addicts are skilled at being charming around others and they work hard at convincing their wives (and themselves and others) that the addiction is her fault.[2]  Like a physical abuser, a sex addict is quite persuaded that “she deserves it.” And like one who is physically abused, a wife in this situation is left wondering, what did I do wrong? Because her husband and partner who has known her for a long time says that she is to blame, she considers this the most likely explanation.  

In contrast to the sex addict - who can be highly functional - those in relationship with any addict or abuser are more damaged and less emotionally healthy than those who abuse. Most of us wives started out relatively emotionally healthy.  Unlike other addictions, a pornography addiction is usually invisible before marriage. Entering into a Christian marriage with a pure woman, the husband may sincerely believe his teenage fantasies and habits will be miraculously cured on his wedding day. He soon finds out that he is quite mistaken on this point.

But marriage to a sex addict (one not in recovery) is a life of soul-numbing, never-ending emotional rejection.  Pornography trains a man’s mind to objectify and use others.[3]  I was always aware of how little my husband thought of me; I was to blame for every difficulty he faced.  Aware of his guilt but not wanting to repent, my husband attempted to shame me into silence. Id.  In some ways you could say that I was emotionally battered into being like a girl in a porn video; a silent, 2-dimensional object with no feelings and no right to expect any emotional intimacy. Attempts to discuss areas of hurt were returned with either disengagement or criticism - sometimes subtle, sometimes not.  Eventually I came to a place in our marriage where I was afraid to speak much beyond "please pass the salt."  **

(If you are interested, the story continues in the Posts Part 2-8)

---

[1] See, generally, Out of the Shadows, Understanding Sexual Addiction, Dr. Patrick J. Carnes (2001)

[2] Laurie Hall, An Affair of the Mind, p. 207 (1996)

[3] Laurie Hall, The Cleavers Don’t Live Here Any More, p. 135-38, also citing, Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond (May 1992), New edition, Jan. 2010.

After the Healing: The Hard Work of Relationships

 

I wrote this devotional in August, 2013, at a turning point during a year of crisis. 

Jesus Heals Ten Men With Leprosy: Now on his way to Jerusalem, Jesus traveled along the border between Samaria and Galilee.  As he was going into a village, ten men who had leprosy met him. They stood at a distance and called out in a loud voice, “Jesus, Master, have pity on us!” When he saw them, he said, “Go, show yourselves to the priests.” And as they went, they were cleansed. One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. He threw himself at Jesus’ feet and thanked him—and he was a Samaritan. Jesus asked, “Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine?  Has no one returned to give praise to God except this foreigner?”  Then he said to him, “Rise and go; your faith has made you well.” Luke 17:11-19 

Today I experienced Jesus’ healing - I remembered to say thank you! But today I also understand the nine reticent lepers a bit better. Maybe the nine did not rush back with thanks to Jesus because they realized this truth: NOW comes the hard part.  Now comes reuniting with family from whom they had been separated; now comes re-integrating into a community where relationships had been broken; now comes forgiving those who shunned and rejected them; now comes recognizing the power and authority of Jesus in their life.

Maybe the nine were comfortably settled as bums in the desert, homeless, hanging out with the guys, no spouses nagging on them, no children or parents making demands on their time and emotions.  Maybe they doubted just a little that Jesus had really brought about their healing, or maybe they feared the return of the disease which they hated, but to which they had become accustomed.  Maybe in the desert they did not have to work the vineyards or lead children’s ministries. Maybe they were excused from synagogue duties, pilgrimages, and making sacrifices.  After the healing - that's when the hard part begins.

When we see healing in abusive relationships, are we not tempted first to feel a bit "Jonah-esque"?  When God relented and showed compassion, Jonah was angry with God at the lack of justice.[1] Is there not a tinge of resentment, a feeling that if our abuser repents and we begin to forgive, then the world will not know how badly we have been treated and the abuser will not face his just desserts?

All ten lepers were healed of physical ailments, but only the Samaritan was credited with “faith.” Why? The nine law-abiding Jews were headed to the temple to show themselves to the priests. But only the Samaritan set aside his fears, shouted out his feelings of joy in front of the whole crowd, and recommitted himself to community and reconciliation. Only the Samaritan began anew a personal relationship with Jesus grounded in thankfulness (eucharistia).  This is the sweet dessert after the healing.

1. Jonah 3:10-4:4

Solo Communion: A Response To Verbal Abuse

"You lead us in the song of Your salvation, and all Your people sing along. Your grace is enough for me...." (Chris Tomlin)

It is the evening of Good Friday, which should be known as "Awesome Friday" in the Christian lexicon. My husband said terribly hurtful words this week leading up to Easter.  In fact, I can't imagine any comments more mean than the words he spoke - I should pray that I never be proven wrong, wouldn't you agree?  My reaction was heaving sobs, the kind where you just can't stop making seal-like noises and the snot runs down your lips. I ended up sitting on the bathroom floor crying into a towel to muffle the sounds.  All I could hold in my mind were a few lines from a song I played with the worship team: "Jesus I am resting, resting, in the joy of what thou art, I am finding out the greatness of thy loving heart."  I grabbed on to this lifeline and hummed a few bars.  Today on Awesome Friday the tears are still flowing and my emotions are raw; I know that if I attend communion service tonight, I will not be able to keep from sobbing in front of my church friends and releasing the secret that my husband has a problem. All this is simply an introduction to explain why, although I desperately wanted to take communion tonight, I am instead communing with you by telling you a story of the time Jesus offered me communion for one.... 

Several years ago, my son and I attended a week at JHRanch, a Christian camp in the beautiful Marble Mountains/ Klamath River area. I hoped to open up spiritual conversations with him and within him, and this happened in marvelous ways. My son started his faith journey there on the mountain and he continues to walk this path today at a Christian college. Camp speakers and times of worship also re-awakened my own faith. The time away from home, work, husband, and e-mail was space to think, to feel, to grow.  Every night Ronnie Freeman and the worship band led the campers in songs of praise; one of my favorites was "Your Grace Is Enough." The time at camp was a spiritual leap forward for each of us and for our relationship together.

The last day of camp arrived on a Sunday.  We left after breakfast, basking in the lightness of a week well spent in spiritual pursuits.  I wanted the joy of this new closeness with God and with my son to last.  We drove the rental car down the mountain and through small towns on the way to a distant airport. We stopped in the rural town of Fort Jones to find lunch for our flight.  We found an open bakery and bought a whole loaf of bread.  We looked for a store with meat or cheese, but nothing else was open. Thus we boarded the small plane with nothing but a single round of bread.

The plane departure was delayed for mechanical work.  The sun streamed in through the windows while the plane sat on the ground.  To apologize for the wait, the stewards brought clear plastic cups of red wine.

Is it theologically incorrect to say Jesus offered me communion? Is it communion if there is only one? In streams of sunlight, with "Your Grace Is Enough" lilting in my heart, I broke the bread and accepted the wine. This solo communion was a gift and a reminder that His grace was sufficient and would continue even as I returned home to my family and the troubles brewing there.

Marriage to a Sex Addict: Starting in the Middle of the Story

I suppose there is no place to start other than in the middle of my story.  Middle life has become a pursuit of this question: what is God's will for the woman scorned?  It has been written that there is no more lonely life than marriage to a sex addict.  God only knows if this is true, but He says that “an unloved woman who is married” is one of three things under which the earth trembles.[1]  

The wife is both the victim and the secret keeper.  If my husband had cancer, we would type blogs and e-mails, accept phone calls and blessed casseroles, and raise our hands with prayer requests in church. But wives of sex addicts are completely alone, eyes downcast and hands clasped in our laps.  For spouses, this illness surrounds us all day long like a flood. It engulfs us. It takes our companions and loved ones from us because we must hide the disease and hide ourselves from them; we are alone in a room crowded with family members or fellow Christians, and we are alone in the dark. [2] 

Facing my husband's sex addiction has been a journey on a very steep and rocky path.  On many days, journaling was the only thing that pulled me outside of myself, to look up and see the One who heals. I hope that sharing my writing here will help other Christian women facing the trauma of marriage to a sex addict. There must be many women who, like me, “being very tired and having nothing inside” feel “so sorry for [ourselves] that the tears roll down [our] cheeks” as we travel up the steep and rocky path, seemingly alone. [3]   I pray that with the resources discussed here, you can prepare to hear the rich sigh and breathing of the Great Lion walking beside you saying, ”There . . . tell me your sorrows.” [4] 

_______________________________________________________________
________
____

[1] Proverbs 30:21-23. 
[2] Psalm 88:17-18
[3] The Horse and His Boy, The Chronicles of Narnia, p. 162, C.S. Lewis, HarperCollins. 
[4 ] Id. at 163.

All scripture quotes will be NIV, Couples Devotional Bible, unless otherwise noted.

---