Sexual Addiction: The Wife as Secret Keeper

• Psalm 142: "I cry aloud to the Lord... I pour out my complaint before Him...In the path where I walk men have hidden a snare for me. Look to my right and see; no one is concerned for me. I have no refuge; no one cares for my life...Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me from those who pursue me...set me free from my prison...Then the righteous will gather about me because of your goodness to me."

How is it that the Psalms are the same as ever for 2000 years, but they feel fresh again from every new vista on the climb up the mountain?  In Psalm 142, I imagine David running for his life from King Saul. The situation described does not feel spiritually abstract but more like live action and danger, with visual images of a hidden snare, pursuers, no refuge, rescue and prison - a real Hunger Games, David and Saul adventure.   

A recent article in the New Yorker magazine gave me a different view of Psalm 142.[1] Sigmund Freud is quoted: "No mortal can keep a secret. If his lips are silent, he chatters with his finger-tips; betrayal oozes out of him at every pore."  Modern research shows that secrecy can be a source of both mental and physical distress. One study showed that keeping a secret requires constant effort, which distracts the secret keeper from basic reasoning tasks, and causes them to react more rudely to criticism and give up sooner on physical tasks. Another study found that those keeping a meaningful secret "perceived hills to be steeper and distances to be longer" and caused people to carry less weight when helping with a physical task. Studies also find "an association between keeping an emotionally charged secret and ailments ranging from the common cold to chronic diseases."[2] The secrecy itself is a hidden snare. 

And there are multiple studies showing that writing about a traumatic experience can boost the immune system.[3]  After loosing his wife to cancer, C.S. Lewis wrote this in A Grief Observed, "What am I to do? I must have some drug, and reading isn't a strong enough drug now.  By writing it all down ... I believe I get a little outside it."  

With sexual addiction, spouses experience debilitating trauma and at the same time they become the secret keeper of its cause.  As I faced the shock of finding out my husband was not the man I believed him to be, very little distracted me from the grief. I couldn't focus at work; reading couldn't hold my interest; playing music was emotionally challenging; chocolate didn't help (well, maybe chocolate helped a little.)  But like C.S. Lewis, I found that writing in a journal was the only activity that pulled me a little outside of myself. Writing kept me from wandering in useless brain circles around the sad secrets that I couldn't share. 

I held the secret of my husband's sexual addiction for a very long time (27 years in fact!). We wives keep this secret from family, friends, church elders, and colleagues, both to preserve our own relationships and also to protect our husbands from losing potentially healing relationships. Please hear me: I am not saying you should rush out and tell everyone about your husband's addiction or sexual behavior. Telling others to harm our husband or take revenge is always wrong, but even telling careless people in order to get much-needed sympathy can be very damaging.  

The first time the sex addiction bomb exploded in my marriage, I found a local S-Anon group. Spending time with other wives who had suffered the same crazy behavior was comforting, the confidentiality was well guarded, and the reading materials are excellent. Sometimes a completely anonymous group is your best option. [4]  When the warning signs of addiction re-appeared several years later, I told one far-away friend.  She counseled me to tell one nearby friend. Then a crisis point in my husband's mental health caused me to limp reluctantly to a pastor-counselor. You should discern carefully with whom you will share your secret -  if you are not sure, then wait and pray and say nothing. 

So back to Psalm 142: Perhaps the prison from which the spouse of a sex addict needs rescue is the constant mental energy of keeping and processing the secret disease all alone.  I have experienced emotional and physical damage just keeping this secret over so many years. It feels as if there is no refuge, only snares. 

But God is our refuge and strength in times of desperate need; we can pour out our private complaint before our personal God.  Yet there is still the live action adventure here on earth. When we share discreetly and discerningly with those who are equipped with the gospel and who can love and respect our husbands despite the behavior, then we are set free from this prison. Then the righteous will gather about us because of God's goodness to us. 

A friend texted: "soak up the righteous and rich fellowship around you." Ah yes. The wisdom that Christian community is healing is ancient but still fresh every morning. **

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[1] "Why You Can't Keep A Secret", New Yorker, March, 2014 
[2])  E.g., Pennebaker, "Writing About Emotional Experiences as a Therapeutic Process." (Psychological Science, May, 1997)
[3] Id., New Yorker,
[4]  You can visit www.s-anon.org to find support groups in your area.