Emotional Abuse: Your Expectations Are Too High!

Wisdom, like an inheritance, is a good thing and benefits those who see the sun. 

Wisdom is a shelter as money is a shelter, but the advantage of knowledge is this:

that wisdom preserves the life of its possessor.  Ecclesiastes 7: 11-12.

My husband said last night that my expectations (for his communications) are too high and I am too sensitive (in response to his words.)   Maybe so.  My brain went searching for any faults of mine that may be contributing to the difficulties in this relationship.  He was unhappy that his attempt at explanation and apology were not deemed sufficient for me to get over hurtful comments. Don't you think the sufficiency of an apology should be decided by the one hurt, not the one doing the hurting?

But isn't this another way of saying "you are being unreasonable?"  It would be unreasonable of me to expect that he bring home roses every week or that every gift he gives or word he utters be perfectly thoughtful.  It would be unreasonable of me to express a need for constant affirmation and encouragement.  But is it unreasonable to desire the water of empathy in response to my hurt? To want an apology that touches my heart? To hope for engaging questions and occasional affirmation from him? This passage from Ms. Evan's books says it all:

"When women hear their inner realities defined, they know that they are not seen and heard for who they are.  So, of course, they want the verbally abusive man to change.  But if she can't find ways to bring change, if she is told that she has no right to ask for change because she is "too sensitive," she ends up traumatized. She hears that her inner pain and self-perceptions are wrong... Although her relationship is ended, there is no funeral at which she can display her grief or anyone bringing casseroles to ease her pain.  She may harbor the fear of being crazy.  She searches for ways to not make it be some fault that she has overlooked.  Her mental anguish is so great she becomes exhausted and suffers from panic attacks or anxiety.  Her exhaustion increases as she struggles to maintain her own perceptions and her own experiences in the face of their being denied.  People who are severely traumatized feel as if they are never going to feel okay." [1]

Amen Sister! I also believed, during these times, that I was never going to feel okay.

Now I preach to myself: "I am not unreasonable to desire faithfulness and affirmation."  Such wisdom is a shelter, and may preserve the life of its possessor. **
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 [1]  P. Evans, The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change? (2006)  p. 91-92.