Part 1: The Clothing of Identity; the Nakedness of Divorce.

You turned my loud crying into dancing.
    You removed my clothes of sadness and dressed me with joy.

Psalm 30:11 (NIRV)

With the divorce finalized, it is time to remove the wedding ring. This is something I have been dreading. Some who have faced divorce are eager to tear off the symbol of their covenant when their spouse has betrayed them.  So why is this such a difficult step for me? It is just a tiny gold band that I've hardly noticed over the years; it has become a part of my body - never removed.  When I finally take it off and go out in public, I feel naked and self-conscious.  I hide my left hand from friends and counselors, even though they know my story well. Why? Perhaps because this ring has been my protective clothing - my identity - through decades of marriage.

Throughout the Bible, being "clothed" is all about identity. For example, Jesus commands his followers to wait in Jerusalem until they are clothed in the power of the Holy Spirit. Luke 24. (1)  He tells them, "If you go out as missionaries before you are clothed in power, your words alone are not going to be enough."  "Clothed" here in Luke connotes both sitting under a waterfall - being bathed or covered continuously - and also has the image of a tattoo parlor - a body covered in messages and beliefs.  In other words, until your personality is taken over by God, you need to sit down and wait; you need to get alone with God and get dressed in the Spirit.

In Genesis, the first couple try, but fail, to clothe themselves.  God rescues the man and wife by making clothes for them. Gen. 3:21.(2)  With Gideon, we are told that the Spirit of the Lord clothed Gideon with power. Judges 6:34.(3) Elijah transferred his authority as a prophet to Elisha by transferring his cloak of power, the same cloak that divided the river.  I Kings 19:19.(4)  Things really change when you are clothed with power! And when the blind beggar was being ushered to Jesus, he threw off his essential beggar's garments, trusting in advance that he would no longer be blind after meeting Jesus. Mark 10: 48-49.(5) Taking off and putting on clothing in scripture is all about identity. To be "clothed" is to have your identity changed. 

Of course, the greatest "clothing" promise is explained by the Apostle Paul: "This is because all of you who were baptized into Christ have put on Christ.  You have put him on as if he were your clothes." Ga. 3:28 (NIVRV).  Quite simply, in baptism we joyfully take on His identity.  In divorce, we painfully take off the clothing of our married identity. 

The Proverbs 31 wife is "clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." (6) The wife of a sex addict cries out with loneliness, and divorce brings weeping and sorrow unlike any other damaged relationship.  Even when my husband has covered me with shame, it is gloriously hopeful to me that since Christ clothes me with strength and dignity, perhaps someday Jesus will remove my "clothes of sadness" so that I can be "dressed with joy" and laugh again. Psalm 30:11.

Next time I will write about the clothing described  in Malachi 2.

____________________

(1) Luke 24:49:  "I am going to send you what my Father has promised; but stay in the city until you have been clothed with power from on high." Luke 24:49
(2) Genesis 3:21: "The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them."
(3) Judges 6:34 (ESV) "But the Spirit of the Lord clothed Gideon, and he sounded he trumpet, and the Abiezrites were called out to follow him."
(4) I Kings 19:19 "...Elijah went up to him (Elisha).  He threw his coat around him."
(5) Mark 10:48-49.  Jesus stopped and said, "Call him" (the blind beggar). So they called to the blind man, "Cheer up! On your feet! He's calling you." Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus."
(6) Prov. 31:25

Verbal Abuse: A Dangerous Box of Chocolates

 "From outward appearances I had it all: a great job, home, car, and two beautiful children. Yet I
was broken and needed healing. In my brokenness, my husband became my protection. I created a false sense of happiness amid his controlling behavior.  Verbal abuse turned into emotional, spiritual, and physical abuse in a matter of months." Tawana Davis, Christianity Today (Jan/Feb. 2015).

This author goes on to describe an incident of great physical violence against her at the hand of her husband.  And it wasn't until years later that she realized she had been a victim of domestic violence.

In the same issue of CT, others wrote, "One in four American women experiences violence from her partner at some point in her adult life" and, "women with strong religious backgrounds often are less likely to believe that violence against them is wrong. Abused women who are Christian may try to understand their suffering by believing it is "God's will" or "part of God's plan for my life."(1)

The ideas in these articles are surprising to me - that verbal and emotional abuse can turn physical in a matter of months even after many years of marriage; that one can be assaulted by a spouse and not realize the significance; that the worldview of Christian women can make them particularly susceptible to long-suffering in the face of an abusive marriage.

Several years ago, I was working on a church gardening project with two nurses.  They noticed my excessive sneezing and strongly encouraged me to seek allergy testing and shots.  As a result, I was diagnosed as allergic to walnuts, almonds, and other tree nuts.  I endured 5 years of shots and I carry an EpiPen at all times. These two women's observation of my physical reaction, their validation of my situation, and their encouragement to action probably saved my life, or at least saved me a life-threatening crisis.  Now, when I approach a box of chocolates, I experience apprehension, fear even. If I pick the wrong one I could have a reaction. When someone quips, "Life is like a box of chocolates; ya never know whatyer gonna get" I think - how true!

More recently, Christian friends may have saved my life in a different way. My husband was a verbal and emotional abuser. He was covert, subtle, and smart about it; when no one was around, my spirit and soul were repeatedly crushed.  I sought and found guidance from other Christians, and Jesus the great Healer began a work of restoration in me.  But abusers do not like it when you respond in a healthy, self-protective manner; they desperately need to keep you under their thumb in order to feel whole themselves. My husband would say repeatedly, "I can't ever encourage you in anything, because then I can't control you." As I started the slow crawl out of the swamp to emotional health, my husband became more angry, more heated, with more finger waving, stronger words, and more physical reactions.  One day he threw some yard equipment in my direction and started up a machine near my face which kicked up rocks. But I had friends who listened well, observed, validated my reactions, and encouraged me on how to protect and take care of myself.  I will never know for certain, but if Ms. Davis is correct in her quote above, then I may have been living on the brink of physical abuse in my home.

What is my point? Verbal abuse is a dangerous box of chocolates.  Speaking truth to a friend may save her life. Listening well and validating her feelings and reactions may help her process the dangerous secret events that could add up to something much worse than chocolate covered nuts.  And carry an EpiPen full of scripture, hymns and spiritual songs to inject yourself as needed.** 

For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand

and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

Isaiah 41:13

______________________________________________________________________________

(1) Lindsey and Justin Holcomb, authors of "Is it My Fault? Hope and Healing for Those Suffering Domestic Violence."

A Broken Marriage Reveals True Friends

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.

Prov. 17:17

I recently read that the meaning of life is "to find out who and what are true friends."(1) While this is not a catechism answer, it is worth pondering.  In times of adversity, we discover who will walk with us as brothers and sisters in Christ.

Through my own crisis of abandonment and betrayal by my spouse, I have been forced and blessed to grow in my understanding of who are true friends.   I have discovered a few clues to identifying these precious souls:

1. You can ask a true friend to pray for you without qualms, and you never doubt that they will pray.

2. Keeping confidences for a true friend is not so hard, because protecting them is on your heart at all times.

3. Around a true friend I have a sense of humor - not always a good sense of humor - but I am exercising my humor muscle because I am willing to be vulnerable and I want to see my friend smile.

4.  When a true friend says an encouraging word, I know they mean it from the bottom of their toes and I carry that encouragement around like a precious jewel for weeks, pondering the implications.

5. A true friend is not afraid to tell me how I have hurt them, what I should watch out for, or where I may have a sin tendency. 

6. A friend "loves at all times", not just in between hurtful times. Prov. 17.

7. And I look forward to hanging out with them in heaven, making music together, story-telling together, worshiping together.

Carrying the secret and being a part of a long term marriage with an adulterous, emotionally abusive man, I have a significant handicap in appreciating true and healthy relationships. If I am honest, not only are such offers of friendship hard for me to spot, but I also notice my own deficiencies in friendship skills. I am thankful that friends have been patient and have come around to show me how it's done.  Being in relationship with a sex addict is the polar opposite of a true friendship; it is like having my hand on a hot stove burner. A healthy acquaintance, in comparison, is like a pot holder.  But a true friend is balm for the burn. 

Through this adversity, my eyes have been opened to God's precious gift of a few good friends.  K, S, G, J, and J, you know who you are. I am so blessed to have these godly friends!  I end with my favorite greeting card quote: "Good friends can make us laugh; great friends can make us laugh until we pee!" 

__________________________________________________

1. For this quote and a good blog post about friendship, see, http://authenticgraceforlife.blogspot.com/2015/01/remix-stress-friendship-and-gospel.html