Part 3: Sex Addiction and the Garment of Violence

"For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the Lord,
the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. 

So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless."

Malachi 2:16. (ESV)

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With the background from the previous two posts about clothing, identity and God's view of divorce, let's look at the final words of Malachi 2: the man who divorces "covers his garment with violence."   A man who is unfaithful and breaks covenant with the wife of his youth has put on an outer garment. And the Lord is clear, this is not the garment of power from the Holy Spirit, this is not the garment of praise, and this is not the cloak of righteousness. The man who causes divorce by his unfaithfulness has taken on a new identity - he may have his under-garments of religion or his belief that "I'm a decent guy most of the time," but he now wears an outer garment of violence -  his hard outer layer is nearly incapable of penetration or compassion. The imagery is striking in its harshness.

But doesn't this Biblical truth fit perfectly with what we know about marital unfaithfulness, whether from sex addiction or from a "temporary lapse"? Such a husband has stepped away from God. He is not living a life of repentance.  He is not a promise keeper. Such a husband must necessarily control and manipulate his wife verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically to rationalize his devaluing and objectifying of his covenant partner.  He is demeaning his wife in bed as he attempts to act out his porn fantasies.  His disdain, even if it has not risen to the level of physical violence, has done great violence to his wife's soul.  A year after my husband's worst disclosures of sexual acting out, my soul and spirit still feel as though I have been assaulted with a mace; I try to staunch the bleeding, but there are so many wounds that I get distracted bandaging one while another opens. Many within the church, myself included, have not been sympathetic and have vastly underestimated the damage this type of "violence" does to a women's soul.[1]

This violence is now my husband's identity. He has put on this garment slowly but surely.  I grieve for his new identity. And I resent his battering of my soul; I still feel weak and shaky on those days when I attempt to face the trauma and forgive the violence of his past words. He shrugs it off, believing he has been polite and civil, and indeed he has been on many occasions. But an evil person can be polite and civil, and civility does not soothe the soul crushed by withdrawal, shame, or contemptuous words. 

If your husband is faithless and breaks his marriage covenant, then he is wearing an overcoat of violence in God's eyes. Contrast this with the loving image in Galatians 3:28 where God sees his adopted sons and daughters wearing cloaks of righteousness.(2)  God knows that the natural result of unfaithfulness to Himself and to a spouse is violence of some sort - rising self-loathing, disdain towards a wife, slowly escalating emotional and verbal abuse, sometimes transforming imperceptibly into physical violence. It is God's great love for us that causes him to warn men: "so guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless."

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(1) See, e.g. Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D, The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, (1977) Chapter 1 "What Trauma Does To People."
(2) "This is because all of you who were baptized into Christ have put on Christ. You have put him on as if he were your clothes." Ga. 3:28 (NIVRV).