Part 3: Sex Addiction and the Garment of Violence

"For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the Lord,
the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. 

So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless."

Malachi 2:16. (ESV)

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With the background from the previous two posts about clothing, identity and God's view of divorce, let's look at the final words of Malachi 2: the man who divorces "covers his garment with violence."   A man who is unfaithful and breaks covenant with the wife of his youth has put on an outer garment. And the Lord is clear, this is not the garment of power from the Holy Spirit, this is not the garment of praise, and this is not the cloak of righteousness. The man who causes divorce by his unfaithfulness has taken on a new identity - he may have his under-garments of religion or his belief that "I'm a decent guy most of the time," but he now wears an outer garment of violence -  his hard outer layer is nearly incapable of penetration or compassion. The imagery is striking in its harshness.

But doesn't this Biblical truth fit perfectly with what we know about marital unfaithfulness, whether from sex addiction or from a "temporary lapse"? Such a husband has stepped away from God. He is not living a life of repentance.  He is not a promise keeper. Such a husband must necessarily control and manipulate his wife verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically to rationalize his devaluing and objectifying of his covenant partner.  He is demeaning his wife in bed as he attempts to act out his porn fantasies.  His disdain, even if it has not risen to the level of physical violence, has done great violence to his wife's soul.  A year after my husband's worst disclosures of sexual acting out, my soul and spirit still feel as though I have been assaulted with a mace; I try to staunch the bleeding, but there are so many wounds that I get distracted bandaging one while another opens. Many within the church, myself included, have not been sympathetic and have vastly underestimated the damage this type of "violence" does to a women's soul.[1]

This violence is now my husband's identity. He has put on this garment slowly but surely.  I grieve for his new identity. And I resent his battering of my soul; I still feel weak and shaky on those days when I attempt to face the trauma and forgive the violence of his past words. He shrugs it off, believing he has been polite and civil, and indeed he has been on many occasions. But an evil person can be polite and civil, and civility does not soothe the soul crushed by withdrawal, shame, or contemptuous words. 

If your husband is faithless and breaks his marriage covenant, then he is wearing an overcoat of violence in God's eyes. Contrast this with the loving image in Galatians 3:28 where God sees his adopted sons and daughters wearing cloaks of righteousness.(2)  God knows that the natural result of unfaithfulness to Himself and to a spouse is violence of some sort - rising self-loathing, disdain towards a wife, slowly escalating emotional and verbal abuse, sometimes transforming imperceptibly into physical violence. It is God's great love for us that causes him to warn men: "so guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless."

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(1) See, e.g. Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D, The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, (1977) Chapter 1 "What Trauma Does To People."
(2) "This is because all of you who were baptized into Christ have put on Christ. You have put him on as if he were your clothes." Ga. 3:28 (NIVRV). 

Part 2: God Hates Divorce: Fighting The Battle of Who Could Care Less

"It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are His.... So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. "I hate divorce," says the Lord God of Israel..." 

Malachi 2:13-16(a)

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Do you think this would be a good verse to read at a Christian wedding?  It might cause the witnesses to cringe,  but it would be the honest word of God about marriage.

This rich Bible verse is directed towards men.  But I think women can also gain insight from God's perspective in Malachi.  First, do you see that the Lord holds himself up as the witness between you and your husband?  For a covenant marriage, Jesus is the witness to your vows, the real "best man" at your wedding, and the high priest who joined you together in matrimony.  As you face divorce, you may feel as though you have failed. For me, walking through divorce has been not only a time of great pain but also a time of repentance and communion.  Without repentance, satan uses my shame and fear of failure to attack and keep me from leaning into Jesus, the witness and high priest over my wedding.

Second, by this verse in Malachi, I am assured that God commanded my husband not to break his covenant vows. But by his decisions and sexual acting out, my husband has indeed broken those vows.  Your husband may have "broken faith" with you in other ways. Not all theologians would agree with me, but I believe unfaithfulness through pornography and abuse in all its forms is also "breaking faith" with your spouse. By this breaking of faith, the husband is "divorcing" his wife;  after he does, if a wife initiates or participates in legal proceedings, that does not make her the "divorcing" spouse. God hates divorce  - which Malachi defines as the breaking of faith by a husband; God does not hate a wife who uses the legal process to protect herself from further harm.  

G. Livingston, M.D., a modern secular psychologist, writes that, "Any relationship is under the control of the person who cares the least."(1) Livingstone and Malachi are on the same page - marriage is a covenant that one spouse can break unilaterally.  Many people mistakenly believe that it takes two to destroy a marriage.  But modern counselors know this is often not true. Again, Livingston writes, "As marriages enter the long slide toward alienation, is it seldom a symmetrical process....While it takes two people to create a relationship, it takes only one to end it." Ben Folds, a modern rock poet and several times divorced himself, is even more succinct when he sings of a couple "fighting the battle of who could care less." (2)

Third, do you see how God views covenant marriage? God says a husband and wife are one and they are His "in flesh and spirit." This explains the extreme pain of divorce.  Like childbirth, others cannot understand the level of pain unless they have lived through a similar event. You have been one in flesh and spirit with your husband, so divorce will hurt like hell; it will be a tearing of your flesh and a ripping of your spirit, like an animal tearing at the flesh of its prey.

Finally, God accepts your righteous anger - God himself hates divorce.  He hates that your husband has decided to break faith with you, leaving separated lives as the only option. God hates that your husband has made clear by his actions that he doesn't want to be married to you. My teenager reminds me: when people ask, "WWJD - what would Jesus do?" it helps to remember that getting angry, cracking a whip, driving people like cattle, and turning over tables of money is a viable option.(3)

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(1) G. Livingston, M.D., Too Soon Old; Too Late Smart.
(2) "Battle of Who Could Care Less", Ben Folds Five, 1997 Album, Whatever and Ever Amen,
(3)  Matthew 21: 12-13.