Christmas Eve and Cleaning Toilets

If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness....put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption." Psalm 130

This December week has been a sad time of firsts and unknowns as divorce snakes through our family life, and church disputes boil and sting. This week is the first time with separate holiday days, the first Christmas day without dad, the first Christmas eve without a church home. And it was the first time I cleaned a severely clogged toilet by myself. I plunged away after a full day of kids leaving their mess in a plugged toilet. I gagged repeatedly.

It was also a week of difficulty with the church schism - more faux intrigue, misperceptions, differing narratives, guilt trips, but also some good conversations. Just as with the marital schism, in the church I struggle with where I need to listen, where I need to repent, where I should turn away from foolishness and seek a healthy church, and where I must reject evil behavior and seek protection. My pastor reminded me, "blessed is the woman who does not ... stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers." Psalm 1:1. I picture myself standing with planted feet in the middle of a pedestrian bridge in a medieval town, a crowd pushing past me; I am irresistibly moved in the direction of the crowd. But this is not the way I am called to move - I must go the way of Christ and only Christ. The clear Way to reconciliation is to call sin, sin, and call mockery, mockery. But how do I do that? Only by recognizing my own sin: if Jesus kept a record of my sins, "who could stand"? Surely not I. The only way to face down sinners and mockers is to recognize that God sees my life, my actions, and my choices as the liquid mess in the toilet. But yet he cleanses me - with him "there is forgiveness." All the mess is flushed away in daily repentance.

Having no church home in which to worship tonight on Christmas Eve, we visited a nearby Episcopal chapel. A flute, clarinet and organ offered up a prelude, sadly out of tune. But so much was beautiful and true to pitch - the bell choir, the solo Scottish caroler, the Nicene Creed, the Lord's Prayer, and readings from Isaiah, Titus and Luke. Unfortunately the short homily was as theologically out of tune as the prelude. The minister sounded so profound in his explanation of the "christmas" message: that we humans are created in the image of God, which means that we all have the divine within us, which means that somewhere deep inside us we all have the capacity for love, hope, and compassion. Sitting in the old oak pew with blue velvet cushions, holding a candle in the darkness, I wished I had the divine capacity to love everyone and act justly flowing naturally from within, but the truth is that I am the mess in the children's bathroom, and any love that pours out of me is only because the Lord's "full redemption" has filled me up with living water.

As Oswald Chambers writes, "Beware of posing as a profound person; God became a baby."

Merry Christmas dear readers.

No Big Deal: Dating A Man Addicted to Pornography

A man who loves wisdom brings joy to his father, but a companion of prostitutes 

squanders his wealth. Proverbs 29:3

Today I learned that a young Christian woman I know, who is intelligent and from a good family,  is dating a young man who may have a serious problem with on-line pornography. This young woman has her whole life ahead of her. I hurt deeply when I think of the life of excruciating pain that she will endure married to this young man.  I know this truth because I have lived it.

 I am now a woman over 40. What would I say to my younger 20-something self? I would say first "do not marry a cultural Christian from a church-attending family, but instead marry a godly man."  Find a man who loves Jesus more than anything else, loves the Bible, loves to worship, and can sharpen you in your spiritual walk.

I would also say, if you believe that marriage will fix your boyfriend's addiction to pornography, it absolutely will not.  A deep heart transformation and love for Jesus is the only thing that will release your man from this bondage, and even then, lapses are likely, painful, and devastating. I would tell my younger self, "what you have caught him doing is only the tip of the iceberg." No matter how much he swears it's no big deal, that he doesn't look often, or that it's not his porn on the computer, he is not telling you the truth.

I would say to my younger self, imagine you find porn again a few years after the wedding and you have moved to another state and bought a first home together.  To divorce now requires pain, shame, and loss of financial security.  So he promises to stop and buys you flowers and you forgive and begin again. Now imagine several years later you have three young children and a bigger mortgage and you have scaled back your education or your career to take care of your family. Then you find hardcore porn, or some evidence of on-line chat romance or sexting.  You think of the pain for your young children to lose a father and how hard it will be as a single mom of three.  So you accept your man's promise to join a Twelve-Step group for sex addicts, your try some couples counseling, and you forge ahead.  Now imagine that you have four children, one in college, and a busy family life.  Your husband's addiction has escalated to several times a day, or perhaps to hookups or prostitutes or voyeurism. Can you imagine yourself married to a sex-offender? Telling your children that their father is in prison? Paying fifty thousand dollars for a criminal defense attorney? Or maybe you will be fortunate and the worst consequence will be that your husband treats you with contempt, loses his job and retires to the man cave with his computer. 

There is only one reason a young man looks at porn, and that is with a plan to masturbate.  He has already begun to bond as one flesh with video images of women, and to the extent he has bonded with them, he will never bond with you  - his young bride.  No matter how nice he seems, he is enjoying degrading and objectifying the women in the videos.  By this behavior he is practicing degrading and devaluing you, his future wife, in the same way someone practices a musical instrument.  He is training muscle memory and neural paths in his brain to enjoy things a certain way, to prefer a woman who does not expect intellectual or emotional engagement, a woman who does just what he imagines in his fantasies,  a woman who does not demand intimacy or promise-keeping.

I have heard many, many women say there is no life more lonely that marriage to a porn addict. I whole-heartedly agree! And I wish someone had told me that when I was 22.

You may think that looking at porn is not so bad, and indeed it may be ubiquitous.  But as the porn use and fantasy life with unreal women permeates his thoughts, and your husband's hidden shame increases, he will begin to lash out at you.  Without gospel-filled repentance, he cannot accept why he feels so awful, so he assumes it must be his wife's fault. This might start a few days or a few years after the wedding, but it is certain to start sometime. He will blame you for his problems, shame you into submission, control you into staying with him despite his inability to be emotionally present and intimate. And the verbal and emotional abuse that sex addicts inflict on their spouse is far more crushing to a wife's soul than the unfaithfulness of eyes, hands and body parts.

I would say to my younger self --- run!  Run far away, run as far as you possibly can. Turn to your dad or uncle or brother or youth pastor or any godly and courageous man in your life who is willing to protect you from this disease.  Turn to them for honest advice and prayers; ask them to walk with you as you discern  marriage. Ask God and your advisors to protect you and to guard your heart.   "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." Prov. 4:23  It has taken me a long time to realize that I cannot guard the door to my own heart - I need other Christians to stand guard for me and I must invite them to stand near me, guarding the door together.

The Gift of Excommunication: Sex Addiction and Divorce

"If forgiveness, fulfilled in reconciliation, is to occur, evil must repent with clarity and conviction...Reconciliation should not occur until there is repentance. Repentance on the part of the evil person will include a renunciation of rage and mockery. He will need to demonstrate a willingness to be humbled and broken by the weight of guilt for his use of shame and contempt. He will further desire to see wrongs righted and other relationships restored through a process of humbly asking forgiveness for the effect of his sin and through the process of carefully rebuilding trust. If such a deep change in direction does not occur, then there is a final good gift to give to an evil person - the grace of excommunication. No one can tell another with certainty when this gift should be offered."

Dan Allender, Bold Love, p. 252

There are times in life when, despite our desire to remain in relationship, we must give the gift of separation. Though it feels like death, our calling to follow Jesus must win out over our desire for companionship, for security, for preserving our image and influence in community, for preserving our nuclear family, for preserving our married state.

God gives us options and callings.  If I see any desire or effort towards transformation from my husband, then I have the option to stay and attempt reconciliation. If not, I have the option to stay married and swallow the pain of abuse and betrayal, in other words to shut down, in the hopes it will be better for my children. I have the option to leave the marriage on the grounds of sexual immorality.[1]  But Jesus continues calling through all these options; across the waves He calls our attention back to Him.  He calls us to put aside our earthly desires, and surrender fully.  He calls us to get out of the boat.[2]

I have decided, after much prayer, observation, and advice of counselors and companions, that to live a life of integrity and safety I must dissolve my marriage. I have been warned that the pain of divorce is greater than the loss of a spouse by sudden death.  Being only four weeks into this process, I heartily agree with that warning. We were joined as one flesh for decades and I am now cutting out a part of myself. Divorce is the emotional equivalent of severing your leg with a saw to escape a steel trap.

Where there is no true repentance, there can be no reconciliation. Sometimes we must follow Jesus by cutting ourselves off from that which is dead.  I truly hope my husband has a change of heart and decides to seek God; that he has an amazing conversion that is publicly known; and that someday he is transformed, healed, and freed from his bondage.  But my final good gift is to leave him in his deadness and follow where I am called.  Sometimes we must continue in our attempts to resuscitate what is dead, and sometimes we must leave that work behind. Indeed, Jesus says, "Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead." [3]

_______________________________
[1] Matt 5:32 or Matt 19:19.
[2] Matt 14.
[3] Matt. 8:22; Luke 9:60.

 

Chicken & Egg: Sex Addiction & Verbal Abuse

"The outcome of lust is always some form of mis-use, absorption, and devaluation."

 Dan Allender, Bold Love, p. 106.  

Not long ago I asked my husband something every wife of a sex addict in recovery should ask: "how long since you talked to your sponsor?"  After pressing for an answer, he admitted it had been over five weeks.  I had previously set a parameter  -  three weeks without sponsor contact means you move out.  But of course I didn't know what to do. 

A man investing regularly in pornography must necessarily talk down to his wife and put her in her place; pornography trains a man’s mind to objectify and use others.[1] There is always an excuse for not connecting with a sponsor - work has been stressful, for example.  I came to understand this means: "I have been acting out at work and I didn't want to call my sponsor because he will make me uncomfortable." 

I asked, "were you going to tell me?"  My husband answered: "No, I was going to do something about it."  So I prayed for wisdom - seems like I am praying for that a lot lately!  What do I do here, Lord?  The word that came to me from a friend:  require my husband to make contact with his sponsor before the day ended. My husband left a phone message with his sponsor. 

The next day came. I waited all day for some word from my husband that he has spoken with his sponsor.  I hoped for a text, an e-mail, any drive-by would do.  My anxiety increased over the day - what would happen!??  We went to an evening event together and no word.  I did a late night grocery run, but no word.  I sat alone in a car filled with groceries in the dark driveway weeping and wondering what to do.  That's when I realized: I don't have the courage to go into the house and ask him to move out, and I don't have the courage to go into the house and allow him to stay. I am frozen.   

At 10 PM my husband mentions that he had a good talk with his sponsor that morning.
Me: "Well, did you think maybe I might be waiting to hear whether you called your sponsor?"
Him: "I didn't realize."  (Weeks later he admitted that not telling me was an intentional response to avoid interacting with me.)  
Me: "Did you realize I might be having a rough day worrying that everything would unravel tonight?"
Him: "You should have trusted me to call my sponsor because I said I would." 
Me: "Well, given the history of trust broken, that sounds a bit crazy to me."  
Him: "Now you are attacking me - you are calling me insane. Your treatment of me is so unfair." 

This, dear friends, is a script from the manual for verbal abuse - blame shifting and diverting.[2]  It was my fault that I was worried, because I didn't trust him.  It would be my fault if I asked him to move out.  I am being a bad person by not trusting that he would call his sponsor and I am being difficult by attacking him. I am unreasonable when I expect that he will communicate the status. There were no words that showed empathy - only defensiveness and blame. And yet it feels so natural to question my own words and motives when the one human being who knows me best explains how I have erred grievously and been so unfair to him.[3]

What comes first - the verbal abuse that allows the sex addict to act out because his wife seems so difficult to control, or the sexual acting out that requires an addict to devalue his wife in order to justify his shameful abandonment of vows. What do you think? Chicken or egg?

__________________________________________________
[1] Laurie Hall, The Cleavers Don’t Live Here Any More, p. 135-38, also citing, Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond (May 1992), New edition, Jan. 2010.
[2] See, e.g., The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change? P. Evans.
[3] Weeks later I learned that at the same time he was telling me I should have trusted him to call his sponsor, he was keeping vital information from me about his years of sexual acting out with prostitutes.  

Living In The Moment of Shattered Glass

For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you....This is what the Lord says to you: ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s....You will not have to fight this battle. ...Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.’” 

II Chronicles 20: 12, 15, 17.

I was sitting in the back seat of a small car in Italy. My husband was driving. As we slowed down to make a right turn, something all American drivers do by habit but Italians would never consider doing, a man on a motorcycle drove up our back windshield and onto the roof of the car.  His bike was mangled, but fortunately no one was hurt.  In that brief moment when I turned my head around to view the source of the bump and crash, I saw the entire windshield had turned from clear glass to a watery Mediterranean blue. Thousands of crackles formed dime-size pieces of glass all held in place for a split second, just before every tiny piece rained down like a small waterfall onto the back windowsill.

When the vast army is around you, and the Holy Spirit has opened your eyes to see it, you feel as though you are living in the moment of shattered glass. It is the moment you must decide - this battle is not yours, but God's. He says "you will not have to fight this battle." Indeed, with sex addiction, you absolutely cannot fight this battle - you will lose every time.

Facing unrepentant sexual acting out and the accompanying distancing and verbal abuse makes me physically shaky on many days - I am the crashed window briefly holding myself together. The vast army is the sex trade, the millions of online porn movie producers, the women selling services just blocks from our house, the tantalizing shops, the lions circling my husband.  

On the worst weeks my stomach is in perpetual knots. Still, God says "do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army." This is not a winsome promise, but a command! How do I respond to this command? I have no strength left in me to stand up on the battlefield - I am shattered glass. Only by God's grace can I avoid despair.

There is a Bible story told to children that illustrates a man in a battle where the only option left is to trust God to do all the fighting and protecting. Daniel is given a death sentence and imprisoned in a den of hungry lions.[1] In the earliest days of facing my husband's sexual addiction my children were young. They learned the Sunday school song "Daniel in the Lion's Den" which had the prayerful line "Angels shut the lions' mouths, oh angels shut the lions' mouths." I often sang that verse under my breath, pleading that the angels would shut the mouths of the lions circling around my husband. But like Daniel, I cannot fight the battle. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you Lord.


 

[1] Daniel 6

The Other Women: Of Prostitutes & Parables

Jesus' Parable of the Two Sons: “What do you think? There was a man who had two sons. He went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and work today in the vineyard.’ “‘I will not,’ he answered, but later he changed his mind and went.“Then the father went to the other son and said the same thing. He answered, ‘I will, sir,’ but he did not go. “Which of the two did what his father wanted?” “The first,” they answered.  Jesus said to them, “Truly I tell you, the tax collectors and the prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God ahead of you." 

Matt: 21:28-31

Pornography is both the seed and the fertilizer for planting desires we should not grow. The harvest is the same whether in a marriage or in sex trafficking - using others, usually using women. The devaluation of a spouse by her husband is no less traumatizing than the “using” behavior of the men making profits from the sex trade - both are violent to the soul and body - sister sins, as it were.

You may call me crazy, but today my heart is breaking for the many women my husband has used as prostitutes. Facing my husband's life-long sex addiction, I have experienced only a slow drip of the toxins called de-valuation and contempt, compared to the tidal wave most prostitutes must endure every day.  What terrible things must have been done to these women, to bring them to the cold place where they could sell intimate and private bodily actions for money? What terrible abuse was happening to them just before and after that trick, to force them to do it again and to force them to turn over the money to a controlling and abusive man? How much physical and emotional violence must they have suffered over the years? What dangers and diseases were they forced to absorb? How many johns does it take to steal your self-esteem? Who physically or emotionally or sexually abused them as girls and young women, causing so much deep hurt that the only perceived option was to run away and never come back?

Why did they not have anyone, anyone at all, to help them move away from this ugly, soul-numbing existence?  Where was their family, their community, their neighborhood church? Who gave them the first drugs leading to addiction and sexual bondage?  What young man deceived them with false promises of love and protection?  How many awful words and touches have they endured from unhealthy, selfish men?  Where are the godly men who can protect them? Where is the Church?

How long, oh Lord?

I forgive you sisters!

**

Bombs and Pickles: Once A Sex Addict Always A Sex Addict

Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body?

For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” 1 Corinthians 6:16

I have not been able to write for several weeks.  It was then that my husband confessed to more sexual indiscretions than I had ever imagined.  It seems that, in addition to the escalating involvement with cyber-porn, he had neglected to tell me a year ago (when he was "coming clean" and we were starting over with forgiveness and healing) that he also had been with prostitutes, not just two times very long ago, but at least 10 times in the last several years. This news was more than I could bear.  I have been working on healing for my soul and reconciliation in our relationship for over a year.  I have been reading volumes on addiction, trauma, verbal abuse, and depression, meeting with counselors, investing in physical health, rebuilding our sexual relationship,  recovering my sense of self, and re-learning spiritual discernment.  But he didn't tell me the full extent of his sexual misbehaviors. Not Even Close. 

You can't forgive what you don't know. You can't heal a relationship where there are still secrets. Forgiveness is a given, but holding open the door for repentance and reconciliation is the hard work of being a Christ-follower.  Still, the one betrayed cannot write the script of repentance for the offender, and cannot walk through the open door for the offender.  

I wish I had been advised early on to attend a "3-day intensive", which is a counseling marathon with polygraph and assisted disclosures. My husband reminds me of the AA wisdom discussed often in his 12-Step Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) group: "Once you are a pickle, you can never go back to being a cucumber."  This slogan, borrowed from Alcoholics Anonymous, teaches that a person does not stop being an alcoholic (or sexaholic) and must always be vigilant, fleeing from evil and avoiding that first drink. (But think about it - isn't that pickle a spectacularly bad analogy when applied to Sexaholic's Anonymous?)  I see many addicts using this slogan to justify why they are not being transformed, not "working the 12 Step program." They evade sponsor accountability, hold on to old resentments, and avoid steps towards healing important relationships. 

Jesus has a very different view of us; to Him we are no longer pickles. You will not find "pickle" by searching in www.biblegateway.com, but you will find that God sees you as an adopted son or daughter, with all the privileges of sonship. Gal. 4:4-5. You may have missed my newest translation of Gal. 4:7: "So you are no longer a pickled sinful slave to sexual addiction, but God's fresh cucumber-like child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir, like a cucumber re-attached to its vine." Someday I want to sell T-shirts for addicts in recovery that say: "Jesus Saves" on the front and "God Sees You As A Cucumber!" on the back.  That, my friends, is the very center of the gospel.

A dialogue with a Christian friend followed these new disclosures.  I offer it in case you are in this same place of attempting discernment while still in shock:

Friend:  "Do you believe this marriage is unrepairable?"

Me:  "Yes, no, yes, no. Depends which minute of the day you ask.  My theology says nothing is out of His reach. My heart says I don't expect my husband can change.  Is that a lack of faith?"

Friend: "No. It is reality. Only God's grace can change a heart bound by sin. Your task is to prayerfully consider whether he wants to be transformed. If yes, then yes. If no, then no."

Thank you friend! This formation of the question has been immeasurably valuable. The question is not whether God can save my husband. (Of course He can!) The question is not whether we want to honor our covenant marriage vows, in sickness and in health. (We do!) The question is not whether my husband wishes he were not an addict. (He does!) The question is whether my husband wants to be transformed. Jesus is asking my husband the same question He asks each of us: Do You Want To Be Healed? (Or rather, do you want to be a cucumber attached to the vine?)

Emotional Abuse: Your Expectations Are Too High!

Wisdom, like an inheritance, is a good thing and benefits those who see the sun. 

Wisdom is a shelter as money is a shelter, but the advantage of knowledge is this:

that wisdom preserves the life of its possessor.  Ecclesiastes 7: 11-12.

My husband said last night that my expectations (for his communications) are too high and I am too sensitive (in response to his words.)   Maybe so.  My brain went searching for any faults of mine that may be contributing to the difficulties in this relationship.  He was unhappy that his attempt at explanation and apology were not deemed sufficient for me to get over hurtful comments. Don't you think the sufficiency of an apology should be decided by the one hurt, not the one doing the hurting?

But isn't this another way of saying "you are being unreasonable?"  It would be unreasonable of me to expect that he bring home roses every week or that every gift he gives or word he utters be perfectly thoughtful.  It would be unreasonable of me to express a need for constant affirmation and encouragement.  But is it unreasonable to desire the water of empathy in response to my hurt? To want an apology that touches my heart? To hope for engaging questions and occasional affirmation from him? This passage from Ms. Evan's books says it all:

"When women hear their inner realities defined, they know that they are not seen and heard for who they are.  So, of course, they want the verbally abusive man to change.  But if she can't find ways to bring change, if she is told that she has no right to ask for change because she is "too sensitive," she ends up traumatized. She hears that her inner pain and self-perceptions are wrong... Although her relationship is ended, there is no funeral at which she can display her grief or anyone bringing casseroles to ease her pain.  She may harbor the fear of being crazy.  She searches for ways to not make it be some fault that she has overlooked.  Her mental anguish is so great she becomes exhausted and suffers from panic attacks or anxiety.  Her exhaustion increases as she struggles to maintain her own perceptions and her own experiences in the face of their being denied.  People who are severely traumatized feel as if they are never going to feel okay." [1]

Amen Sister! I also believed, during these times, that I was never going to feel okay.

Now I preach to myself: "I am not unreasonable to desire faithfulness and affirmation."  Such wisdom is a shelter, and may preserve the life of its possessor. **
_________________________________________________________________

 [1]  P. Evans, The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change? (2006)  p. 91-92.

Verbal Abuse vs. Physical Abuse: Where Is The Line?

But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister 

will be subject to judgment. Matt. 5:22

Our sermon a few weeks ago was about anger, and the verse from Jesus' Sermon on the Mount.  Patricia Evans in "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" (2006) explains how subtly, slowly, verbal abuse starts, and how, in some cases, it slyly escalates into physical abuse. It starts with being in the "zone" of the other person, purportedly unaware of the other body in the space. Then it might manifest as blocking a doorway or a path, and might move to "accidentally" standing on the spouse's foot.  Before I read this book, I imagined that a physical abuser started out punching his wife on their honeymoon.

For Mother's Day I received a small welt on my face.  Technically, it was an accident, but anger and frustration were involved.  I will describe the event; do you think it is abuse?  I am so new to even thinking in this way.

I was kneeling on the ground weeding. My husband was standing and weed-whacking with a machine 10-12 feet away.  I called out to ask him to stop whacking.  As he stopped, he anticipated my reason, and he threw the machine in my direction with a great deal of anger. It landed on the ground several feet in front of me.  I was startled, but didn't react.  A few minutes later, when our discussion about weed-whacking was done, my husband headed to another spot about 3 feet away from where my face was bent over a flower bed weeding and he started up the machine. Instantly the spinning line of string kicked up small rocks and bark into my face.  One small stone hit my face hard. I fled into the house upset. My husband came in soon after and apologized; he claimed the first toss of the machine was not throwing "at" me, as he was well aware the machine could not travel that full distance, and the second event was entirely an accident.  His apology seemed genuine.

What do you think?  We all do things in anger that are not abuse.  We all make mistakes that might cause minor hurt to one another.  Where is the line? What is a choice and what is an accident?  The variations are infinite - how would you make this distinction? 

Part 8: Sex Addiction Opens A Marriage to the Demonic

Jesus asked the boy’s father, “How long has he been like this?”“ From childhood,” he answered.  “It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.”   “‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.”   Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”  When Jesus saw that a crowd was running to the scene, he rebuked the impure spirit. “You deaf and mute spirit,” he said, “I command you, come out of him and never enter him again.”  The spirit shrieked, convulsed him violently and came out. ... After Jesus had gone indoors, his disciples asked him privately, “Why couldn’t we drive it out?”  He replied, “This kind can come out only by prayer and fasting.” [1]
      

I am sure that my title today is offensive to many folks.  Biblical stories about demons and angels seem far removed from our modern world of rocket ships and miracle drugs. And  I doubt you will hear discussions about the demonic discussed in 12-Step meetings like SA (Sexaholics Anonymous).  But as C.S. Lewis wrote, "If you haven't met Satan recently, you are probably going his way!"

I have spent many years living with and reading about sexual addiction,  its causes and consequences.  I was a Christ-follower during those years, but I did not always live from a position of child-like trust in Jesus.  I still miss the mark often.  But eventually I came to understand that when one spouse is engaged in a persistent pattern of evil, this opens the marriage and the home to the demonic.[2]  

Last year my husband revealed, for the second time in our long marriage, that his sex addiction had escalated out of control.  Even before my husband's hurtful behavior was revealed, I was having nightmares for years. In one of these dreams, I was kidnapped and tortured and forced to travel around under the control of a faceless man. He had complete control over me, and yet we were often out in the open - in a restaurant booth or a gas station - interacting with people. I recall from the dream the continual cycle of hope and defeat; hope that someone would notice things were not right, and defeat when the man and I left the location. This same dream continued, more frequently, after my husband's newest revelations. But the terror in this repeated nightmare came not from my own imagined torture and impending death, but from repeated entry into the story of others whose paths we crossed, who sensed but did not look directly at the evil, and did nothing to help. 

My prayers about sexual addiction were not unlike the prayer of the boy's father in Mark 9.  Maybe you wives have prayed something like this? "Jesus, I believe (sort of, on a good day) that you might be able to heal my husband, but I don't dare to hope you will because dashed hope is so painful. And I'm not convinced that you can heal him, because I have never seen this sort of healing. I'm trying to be a rational person and also to trust you. But still, I'm such a mess and I don't know what else to do, so would you please try to heal him, if you can?"

"If I can?" says Jesus.

Several months after my husband's revelations about sexual behavior, I again awoke in heart-pounding panic from this dream. When I awoke, I could not think what to do, so I whispered the "Jesus Prayer" over and over until my heartbeat slowed:  "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the living God, have mercy on me, a sinner."  In this foggy-3-am-state-of-mind, as prayer calmed me, I dared to ask Jesus to remove whatever evil spirits were in our home, in my husband, in our marriage, and in myself - just kick them all out into the back yard please.  I cannot testify that I heard pigs rushing into the lake,[3] but the nightmare has not returned for 8 months now. And from around that same time, my husband seemed slowly to change, to heal.

Jesus does not offer miracle drugs or 2-week treatment options for sex addiction.  But He offers prayer and fasting and mercy and healing.  Do you want to be healed?

---

[1] Mark 9: 21-29
[2] L. Hall, An Affair of the Mind, p. 117, 121, also citing, Dr. Ron Miller, “Personality Traits of the Carnal Mind” p. 53.
[3]  See,  Matt 8: 28-32.

Part 7: Crushed in Spirit; Advice to Pastors

“Many are asking, ‘Who can show us any good?” Psalm 4:6(a)

I have been writing about my husband's sexual addiction and the plans God set in place to take care of me when the "bomb" of sexual addiction exploded for the second time in our marriage. (See, Part 6: Karate, Lament, and The Storm of Sexual Addiction).  

Another example of God’s advance planning was our new pastor.  He preached for six months before my husband's breakdown and revelations about sexual behavior. Our pastor's grace-filled sermons were offensive to my husband.  Indeed, the presentation of the gospel - the continual call to repent and believe - offered to one who has decided to avoid Jesus, is at least abrasive, if not offensive.  But my pastor's messaging also started me on a path of courage and clarity - to pray the words I needed to pray, and hear the words I needed to hear from God.  He invited me to discipleship.  God knew I would need a lurch forward (and some holy courage) to seek help from other Christians, but also a discerning pastor to steady me as I fell, to listen, to disciple my hard heart and speak grace to my broken heart.

My pastor has been a tremendous blessing, but some before him were not helpful, and some counseling was even damaging. Many poor responses to sexual addiction by well-meaning ministers, elders, friends and counselors are depicted in books on this topic.[1] You may be an experienced pastoral counselor, but if you are counseling on sexual addiction for the first time, I offer a few tips from the trenches.  

First, when a woman walks into your office reporting that she has discovered her husband has a problem with compulsive sexual behavior such as viewing pornoraphy, please make sure that her body is safe and will not be further harmed. Someone should discuss with her immediate sexual abstinence and medical testing for both parties, and be alert for any hints of physical abuse. 

Second, do not suggest that performing better in bed, offering a wider variety of sex acts, prompt forgiveness, or being more submissive in the marriage will solve anything. Advice that blames the wife for her husband's behavior is harmful, further traumatizing the wife and enabling the husband. And recommending forgiveness when the building is still burning and the husband has said no words of repentance or taken steps toward change is soul crushing.  And please don't remind her that all guys look at porn, or hint that porn may make him a better lover.

Third, consider carefully whether S-Anon (a 12-Step group for wives of sex-addicts) or certain therapists would be helpful for the wife.  A 12-Step support group can be a good place to learn more about sex addiction and feel less alone in suffering.[2]  But there is debate in the sexual addiction field whether the approach of S-Anon (and many therapists) inappropriately emphasizes the "co-addict" or "co-dependency" model of treatment. Specialists in this area are instead recommending the "sexual addiction induced trauma" model for helping the wife of a sex addict.[3]  Remember that she knew nothing about his addiction and probably did nothing to enable it, and she is in severe shock.  Also, the more she learns, the more traumatized she will become - and she will learn much more in the months after the initial disclosure! And very likely she has been emotionally and verbally abused, if not physically. 

Fourth, apply the gospel of Jesus Christ to the situation, over and over and over.

For those of you who are not pastors, please recognize that many women walking in and out of your life are silently suffering the soul-numbing emotional rejection of this disease. Even through people I hardly knew, God parachuted me survival packages. When several days had passed with only contemptuous words or no words at all from my husband, God sent ravens with bread and water into the wilderness - store clerks or pre-school teachers who spoke small words of hope and encouragement into my life, or friends with a kind text message.  Once on vacation I was smiling on the outside but nauseated with pain on the inside. A Roman Catholic tour guide, after spending an entire day with our family touring the Vatican, chirped warmly, “My, aren’t you just an angel of patience and care for your family!” She touched my heart with her kind words; I received God’s care through her words. I still have much to learn about how small words can bring the Lord close to the brokenhearted and save those who are crushed in spirit, if only momentarily.[4]

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[1] For a few examples, see, L. Hall, An Affair of the Mind (1996); Sex, Lies, and Forgiveness, Couples Speaking out On Healing From Sex Addiction, J. Schneider, M.D. and B. Schneider (1991)
[2] For more information on a 12-step program for spouses and family members dealing with the effects of sexual addiction, visit www.sanon.org. 
[3] For example, see, http://voices.yahoo.com/stop-abuse-partners-sex-addicts-12073749.html?cat=70; or see, Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D, The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, (1977).
[4] Psalm 34:18

Part 6: Karate, Lament, and The Storm of Sexual Addiction

"When you bring Me prayer requests, lay out your concerns before Me. Speak to Me candidly; pour out your heart. Then thank Me for the answers that I have set into motion long before you can discern results." [1. Jesus Calling]

I learned of my husband's spiraling out of control sexual behavior on the last day of a rough year. A dear friend sent me "Jesus Calling" (a year of daily devotions) a few days later. On January 11, as my husband's revelations washed over me and new sorrows like sea billows rolled, Jesus reminded me in the devotional (quoted above) to thank Him in advance for the answers He had already put in place for me.  I was still gripping the lifelines on the boat, hanging on for dear life, and not feeling particularly thankful. My unholy response was: "Not there yet, God." 

But in time I came to see God's care during the storm.  Before my husband’s breakdown and confessions, God had a plan to provide all I needed to survive the crisis and grow deeper in Him.[2] He had a plan to give me hope and a future.[3]  You may laugh, but I think Jesus planned for me to study martial arts.  I am old and creaky and no longer flexible, and this was truly not a sport in which I had any interest -  until my youngest child begged to join a class. We joined a Dojo together a few months before the second disclosure "bomb" exploded. As I faced the truth that my husband was not a protector of me or our family, my sensei (Japanese for “teacher”) was discipling us in physical presence, strength, awareness of danger, and self-respect. While my husband mocked my physical abilities, my sensei was training and encouraging them.  On several days Jesus  (my “Sensei” in devotions)  and my earthly sensei both reminded me: “Lift up your eyes; put away shame.”[4]

At times I needed to pray as much as I needed air. Desperate, dependent prayer filled every alone moment, and many moments in crowded rooms.  Three months before my husband’s confessions, our church worship leader asked me to learn a new instrument and join the team. The invitation to the worship team was also a part of God’s advance care plan. I drowned my sorrows in the prayers of worship music which, as it turns out, is a rather successful survival strategy!  Often the Holy Spirit used the song words within to remind me of the verse or blessing I needed to forge ahead through the swamp. And I was emotionally safe while playing with the praise band.  In the face of engaged worship of the One who made us and loves us, the Deceiver’s lies selling fear and shame will flee. Through the storm I  could sing:  

“My life goes on in endless song, above earth’s lamentations. I hear the real but far of hymn, that hails a new creation. How can I keep from singing?” [5]

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[1] Sarah Young, Jesus Calling (2004)  Jan. 11[2] Psalm 139:16[3] Jeremiah 29:11[4] Isaiah 40:26 (Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these?); Psalm 121:1 (I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from?); Psalm 34:5 (Those who look to him are radiant;   their faces are never covered with shame.).[5] Spiritual, How Can I Keep From Singing?

Part 5: Sexual Addiction: Can you Hear the Bread Breaking?

In the beginning, you'll have to...stop talking.  Your tongue will have grooves in it where your teeth have had to come to a skid stop. But stop talking you must....so you can quietly observe the patterns of behavior in your marriage...You want to know what actions he's generating. ...you have to stop talking because your husband has learned that he can use talk as a way to manipulate you.... Talk is an effective refuge for those who refuse to change....Remember, he's been steeped in a world [of porn] where words are not the outward symbol of an inward commitment to action." [1] 

In prior posts I described the history of sexual addiction in my marriage - the early prayers, revelations and clues, and the nature of trauma.  Although painful, this dawning awareness of the addiction and emotional abuse was a gift from God - an answer to my pleas. I still lived in fear and, on some days, soul-crushing brokenness.  I had not known about the sexual behavior when I begged God to intervene, but now that I knew, I had to cling desperately to Jesus just to get out of bed in the morning. 

Laurie Hall's book, An Affair of the Mind, is one of the best books written for the wife of a sex addict. It is gritty and real,  focused on trauma and abuse rather than "co-addiction" and "co-dependency", and instructive on living out the gospel in a horrible marriage situation.  I trusted Ms. Hall's advice a great deal.  But the first time I read her book, I did not heed her advice to stop talking.  I wanted to scream and rant, or at least lecture and explain - not be silent!  

But this encouragement to quiet is exceedingly good advice, and biblical: "“When you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent.” Psalm 4:4(b).  More than one adviser suggested to me early on that sharing words of vulnerability or explanation with a sex addict was like spreading pearls before swine.[2]

When my husband admitted to living "off-the-wagon" with porn and my life exploded for the second time, I re-read Ms. Hall's book and noted her call to silence (quoted above).  My husband uses withdrawal and silence to manipulate more than words, so I wondered how this would go, but I decided to be quiet.  My first surprise was that my husband was agitated when I did not talk cheerfully to fill the space between us. I observed that he took my quietness as anger, when in fact I was just, well, not talking. The quiet was diagnostic; my husband's withholding and withdrawal came into focus, and I was forced to wear the pain of his distancing. And he could no longer shame me by ignoring my words or suggesting my comments were uninteresting. "Not talking" was a giant spotlight illuminating his depriving me of all conversation that engaged me, or responded to me, or shared of himself.

The Psalmist does not mean that we should shut up and shut down our souls; silence is space for observing, searching our hearts, and listening. When I was quiet, I also began to hear from God. When I listened to the quiet whisperings of the Holy Spirit, my annus horribilis became a year of grace. God is so good and He has been taking very good care of me. Truly, wandering in the wilderness of crisis and pain is where Jesus finds us, as many saints have discovered.

And through crisis our misery is concentrated and we are re-tuned to God’s pitch and reshaped to His melody. Just as with a violin, it is nearly impossible to tune with noise in the background. Our husbands have not provided the care and protection our hearts desired and, facing the truth of sexual addiction, we learn that safety and protection must come only from Jesus. Once while processing an event of sexual physical violation, I lamented with self-pity that my counselors just didn’t understand what it felt like to be physically unsafe, body at risk. Jesus so gently corrected me, “My body was broken - for you; how can you say I don't understand?”[3]  In the silence, we can hear the bread breaking. 

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[1] L. Hall, An Affair Of The Mind, (1996) p. 182-83
[2]  Matthew 7:6.  Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.
[3] Luke 22:19

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Part 4: Burning Buildings, Trauma and Sexual Addiction

"Two factors are essential in understanding traumatic experiences: how far our systems are stretched and for how long. Some events happen only once or just a few times, but the impact is so great that trauma occurs....Some trauma experiences are relatively minor, but they happen every day.  The hurt accumulates... examples include living in a toxic marriage or working in a toxic corporation. Little acts of degradation, manipulation, secrecy and shame on a daily basis take their toll. Trauma by accumulation sneaks up on its victims."[1] 

My husband will admit that he is a sex addict.  Last year he fell off the wagon, so to speak. After several confessions about sexual behavior and re-joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA), my husband said, "What more do you want? I just need to stop the behavior. What else is there to do?" I had no snappy answer, but I suspected there was quite a bit more. Repentance and reconciliation perhaps? Rebuilding a burned up relationship maybe?  A defibrillator for the empathy cells in his heart?

Joining a 12-Step recovery program for sexaholics [2] is like the moment the fire department contains the blaze after the arsonist sets your house on fire.  Is there more to do? Well, that depends.  It depends on whether you want justice against the arsonists.  Or whether you want the smoldering beams doused so the fire cannot return to finish the job. Or maybe you want to recover a few precious memories from the ashes.  Or maybe there is grieving for the loss of home and hearth to be done. Or perhaps you are a big, romantic, dreamer like me and you want to see the house fully restored? What else is there to do??!!!

As I learned about trauma and addiction, I was surprised to learn that the effect of years of continuous low-level trauma is physically and emotionally very similar to a single severe trauma, such as an assault, rape or kidnapping.[1]  For many months, as I peeled back layers searching for understanding about addiction and abuse, I was numb, dazed, unable to focus, occasionally bed-ridden, and inexplicably ashamed. I avoided things I had previously enjoyed like cooking, hosting parties, playing piano, doing crafts, and my career. Are those symptoms of trauma? I am told they are.

Despite being a strong-minded professional and problem solver to the outside world, in my marriage I was broken, afraid, and living on constant high alert for the next poison arrow. For many months after my husband's confessions I would weep and pray, pray and weep, while driving or on work breaks. I did lots of errands in the evenings and, when I was away from home, I felt panic about returning home; when I returned to our driveway, I sobbed in fear and struggled to go into the house.  I even had to face that I was anxiously scratching and scarring my hands and arms - trying to peel away the evil. I came to learn this is a known symptom of ongoing trauma in a relationship which is harmful and from which there seems no escape. [3]

Facing the reality of this low-level trauma was like an avalanche; once I stopped running in front of it and turned around and looked for God, the avalanche buried me. I was stuck, with no idea how long it would take to dig out.  But as the Alcoholics Anonymous "Big Book" gently notes: “This was only a beginning, though if honestly and humbly made, an effect, sometimes a very great one, was felt at once.” [3] **

_________________________
[1] Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D, The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, (1977) Chapter 1 "What Trauma Does To People."
[2] For information on a 12-Step Program for sexaholics, see www.sa.org.
[3] S. Peck, People of the Lie. 
[4] S-Anon Twelve Steps (the “Blue Book”) p. 3, S-anon International Family Groups (2000), quoting, The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous,  p. 63 (1976 ed.?).

Sexual Addiction: The Wife as Secret Keeper

• Psalm 142: "I cry aloud to the Lord... I pour out my complaint before Him...In the path where I walk men have hidden a snare for me. Look to my right and see; no one is concerned for me. I have no refuge; no one cares for my life...Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me from those who pursue me...set me free from my prison...Then the righteous will gather about me because of your goodness to me."

How is it that the Psalms are the same as ever for 2000 years, but they feel fresh again from every new vista on the climb up the mountain?  In Psalm 142, I imagine David running for his life from King Saul. The situation described does not feel spiritually abstract but more like live action and danger, with visual images of a hidden snare, pursuers, no refuge, rescue and prison - a real Hunger Games, David and Saul adventure.   

A recent article in the New Yorker magazine gave me a different view of Psalm 142.[1] Sigmund Freud is quoted: "No mortal can keep a secret. If his lips are silent, he chatters with his finger-tips; betrayal oozes out of him at every pore."  Modern research shows that secrecy can be a source of both mental and physical distress. One study showed that keeping a secret requires constant effort, which distracts the secret keeper from basic reasoning tasks, and causes them to react more rudely to criticism and give up sooner on physical tasks. Another study found that those keeping a meaningful secret "perceived hills to be steeper and distances to be longer" and caused people to carry less weight when helping with a physical task. Studies also find "an association between keeping an emotionally charged secret and ailments ranging from the common cold to chronic diseases."[2] The secrecy itself is a hidden snare. 

And there are multiple studies showing that writing about a traumatic experience can boost the immune system.[3]  After loosing his wife to cancer, C.S. Lewis wrote this in A Grief Observed, "What am I to do? I must have some drug, and reading isn't a strong enough drug now.  By writing it all down ... I believe I get a little outside it."  

With sexual addiction, spouses experience debilitating trauma and at the same time they become the secret keeper of its cause.  As I faced the shock of finding out my husband was not the man I believed him to be, very little distracted me from the grief. I couldn't focus at work; reading couldn't hold my interest; playing music was emotionally challenging; chocolate didn't help (well, maybe chocolate helped a little.)  But like C.S. Lewis, I found that writing in a journal was the only activity that pulled me a little outside of myself. Writing kept me from wandering in useless brain circles around the sad secrets that I couldn't share. 

I held the secret of my husband's sexual addiction for a very long time (27 years in fact!). We wives keep this secret from family, friends, church elders, and colleagues, both to preserve our own relationships and also to protect our husbands from losing potentially healing relationships. Please hear me: I am not saying you should rush out and tell everyone about your husband's addiction or sexual behavior. Telling others to harm our husband or take revenge is always wrong, but even telling careless people in order to get much-needed sympathy can be very damaging.  

The first time the sex addiction bomb exploded in my marriage, I found a local S-Anon group. Spending time with other wives who had suffered the same crazy behavior was comforting, the confidentiality was well guarded, and the reading materials are excellent. Sometimes a completely anonymous group is your best option. [4]  When the warning signs of addiction re-appeared several years later, I told one far-away friend.  She counseled me to tell one nearby friend. Then a crisis point in my husband's mental health caused me to limp reluctantly to a pastor-counselor. You should discern carefully with whom you will share your secret -  if you are not sure, then wait and pray and say nothing. 

So back to Psalm 142: Perhaps the prison from which the spouse of a sex addict needs rescue is the constant mental energy of keeping and processing the secret disease all alone.  I have experienced emotional and physical damage just keeping this secret over so many years. It feels as if there is no refuge, only snares. 

But God is our refuge and strength in times of desperate need; we can pour out our private complaint before our personal God.  Yet there is still the live action adventure here on earth. When we share discreetly and discerningly with those who are equipped with the gospel and who can love and respect our husbands despite the behavior, then we are set free from this prison. Then the righteous will gather about us because of God's goodness to us. 

A friend texted: "soak up the righteous and rich fellowship around you." Ah yes. The wisdom that Christian community is healing is ancient but still fresh every morning. **

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[1] "Why You Can't Keep A Secret", New Yorker, March, 2014 
[2])  E.g., Pennebaker, "Writing About Emotional Experiences as a Therapeutic Process." (Psychological Science, May, 1997)
[3] Id., New Yorker,
[4]  You can visit www.s-anon.org to find support groups in your area.