Part 7: Crushed in Spirit; Advice to Pastors

“Many are asking, ‘Who can show us any good?” Psalm 4:6(a)

I have been writing about my husband's sexual addiction and the plans God set in place to take care of me when the "bomb" of sexual addiction exploded for the second time in our marriage. (See, Part 6: Karate, Lament, and The Storm of Sexual Addiction).  

Another example of God’s advance planning was our new pastor.  He preached for six months before my husband's breakdown and revelations about sexual behavior. Our pastor's grace-filled sermons were offensive to my husband.  Indeed, the presentation of the gospel - the continual call to repent and believe - offered to one who has decided to avoid Jesus, is at least abrasive, if not offensive.  But my pastor's messaging also started me on a path of courage and clarity - to pray the words I needed to pray, and hear the words I needed to hear from God.  He invited me to discipleship.  God knew I would need a lurch forward (and some holy courage) to seek help from other Christians, but also a discerning pastor to steady me as I fell, to listen, to disciple my hard heart and speak grace to my broken heart.

My pastor has been a tremendous blessing, but some before him were not helpful, and some counseling was even damaging. Many poor responses to sexual addiction by well-meaning ministers, elders, friends and counselors are depicted in books on this topic.[1] You may be an experienced pastoral counselor, but if you are counseling on sexual addiction for the first time, I offer a few tips from the trenches.  

First, when a woman walks into your office reporting that she has discovered her husband has a problem with compulsive sexual behavior such as viewing pornoraphy, please make sure that her body is safe and will not be further harmed. Someone should discuss with her immediate sexual abstinence and medical testing for both parties, and be alert for any hints of physical abuse. 

Second, do not suggest that performing better in bed, offering a wider variety of sex acts, prompt forgiveness, or being more submissive in the marriage will solve anything. Advice that blames the wife for her husband's behavior is harmful, further traumatizing the wife and enabling the husband. And recommending forgiveness when the building is still burning and the husband has said no words of repentance or taken steps toward change is soul crushing.  And please don't remind her that all guys look at porn, or hint that porn may make him a better lover.

Third, consider carefully whether S-Anon (a 12-Step group for wives of sex-addicts) or certain therapists would be helpful for the wife.  A 12-Step support group can be a good place to learn more about sex addiction and feel less alone in suffering.[2]  But there is debate in the sexual addiction field whether the approach of S-Anon (and many therapists) inappropriately emphasizes the "co-addict" or "co-dependency" model of treatment. Specialists in this area are instead recommending the "sexual addiction induced trauma" model for helping the wife of a sex addict.[3]  Remember that she knew nothing about his addiction and probably did nothing to enable it, and she is in severe shock.  Also, the more she learns, the more traumatized she will become - and she will learn much more in the months after the initial disclosure! And very likely she has been emotionally and verbally abused, if not physically. 

Fourth, apply the gospel of Jesus Christ to the situation, over and over and over.

For those of you who are not pastors, please recognize that many women walking in and out of your life are silently suffering the soul-numbing emotional rejection of this disease. Even through people I hardly knew, God parachuted me survival packages. When several days had passed with only contemptuous words or no words at all from my husband, God sent ravens with bread and water into the wilderness - store clerks or pre-school teachers who spoke small words of hope and encouragement into my life, or friends with a kind text message.  Once on vacation I was smiling on the outside but nauseated with pain on the inside. A Roman Catholic tour guide, after spending an entire day with our family touring the Vatican, chirped warmly, “My, aren’t you just an angel of patience and care for your family!” She touched my heart with her kind words; I received God’s care through her words. I still have much to learn about how small words can bring the Lord close to the brokenhearted and save those who are crushed in spirit, if only momentarily.[4]

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[1] For a few examples, see, L. Hall, An Affair of the Mind (1996); Sex, Lies, and Forgiveness, Couples Speaking out On Healing From Sex Addiction, J. Schneider, M.D. and B. Schneider (1991)
[2] For more information on a 12-step program for spouses and family members dealing with the effects of sexual addiction, visit www.sanon.org. 
[3] For example, see, http://voices.yahoo.com/stop-abuse-partners-sex-addicts-12073749.html?cat=70; or see, Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D, The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, (1977).
[4] Psalm 34:18