"Two factors are essential in understanding traumatic experiences: how far our systems are stretched and for how long. Some events happen only once or just a few times, but the impact is so great that trauma occurs....Some trauma experiences are relatively minor, but they happen every day. The hurt accumulates... examples include living in a toxic marriage or working in a toxic corporation. Little acts of degradation, manipulation, secrecy and shame on a daily basis take their toll. Trauma by accumulation sneaks up on its victims."[1]
My husband will admit that he is a sex addict. Last year he fell off the wagon, so to speak. After several confessions about sexual behavior and re-joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA), my husband said, "What more do you want? I just need to stop the behavior. What else is there to do?" I had no snappy answer, but I suspected there was quite a bit more. Repentance and reconciliation perhaps? Rebuilding a burned up relationship maybe? A defibrillator for the empathy cells in his heart?
Joining a 12-Step recovery program for sexaholics [2] is like the moment the fire department contains the blaze after the arsonist sets your house on fire. Is there more to do? Well, that depends. It depends on whether you want justice against the arsonists. Or whether you want the smoldering beams doused so the fire cannot return to finish the job. Or maybe you want to recover a few precious memories from the ashes. Or maybe there is grieving for the loss of home and hearth to be done. Or perhaps you are a big, romantic, dreamer like me and you want to see the house fully restored? What else is there to do??!!!
As I learned about trauma and addiction, I was surprised to learn that the effect of years of continuous low-level trauma is physically and emotionally very similar to a single severe trauma, such as an assault, rape or kidnapping.[1] For many months, as I peeled back layers searching for understanding about addiction and abuse, I was numb, dazed, unable to focus, occasionally bed-ridden, and inexplicably ashamed. I avoided things I had previously enjoyed like cooking, hosting parties, playing piano, doing crafts, and my career. Are those symptoms of trauma? I am told they are.
Despite being a strong-minded professional and problem solver to the outside world, in my marriage I was broken, afraid, and living on constant high alert for the next poison arrow. For many months after my husband's confessions I would weep and pray, pray and weep, while driving or on work breaks. I did lots of errands in the evenings and, when I was away from home, I felt panic about returning home; when I returned to our driveway, I sobbed in fear and struggled to go into the house. I even had to face that I was anxiously scratching and scarring my hands and arms - trying to peel away the evil. I came to learn this is a known symptom of ongoing trauma in a relationship which is harmful and from which there seems no escape. [3]
Despite being a strong-minded professional and problem solver to the outside world, in my marriage I was broken, afraid, and living on constant high alert for the next poison arrow. For many months after my husband's confessions I would weep and pray, pray and weep, while driving or on work breaks. I did lots of errands in the evenings and, when I was away from home, I felt panic about returning home; when I returned to our driveway, I sobbed in fear and struggled to go into the house. I even had to face that I was anxiously scratching and scarring my hands and arms - trying to peel away the evil. I came to learn this is a known symptom of ongoing trauma in a relationship which is harmful and from which there seems no escape. [3]
Facing the reality of this low-level trauma was like an avalanche; once I stopped running in front of it and turned around and looked for God, the avalanche buried me. I was stuck, with no idea how long it would take to dig out. But as the Alcoholics Anonymous "Big Book" gently notes: “This was only a beginning, though if honestly and humbly made, an effect, sometimes a very great one, was felt at once.” [3] **
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[1] Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D, The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, (1977) Chapter 1 "What Trauma Does To People."
[2] For information on a 12-Step Program for sexaholics, see www.sa.org.
[3] S. Peck, People of the Lie.
[4] S-Anon Twelve Steps (the “Blue Book”) p. 3, S-anon International Family Groups (2000), quoting, The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 63 (1976 ed.?).
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