"When you bring Me prayer requests, lay out your concerns before Me. Speak to Me candidly; pour out your heart. Then thank Me for the answers that I have set into motion long before you can discern results." [1. Jesus Calling]
I learned of my husband's spiraling out of control sexual behavior on the last day of a rough year. A dear friend sent me "Jesus Calling" (a year of daily devotions) a few days later. On January 11, as my husband's revelations washed over me and new sorrows like sea billows rolled, Jesus reminded me in the devotional (quoted above) to thank Him in advance for the answers He had already put in place for me. I was still gripping the lifelines on the boat, hanging on for dear life, and not feeling particularly thankful. My unholy response was: "Not there yet, God."
But in time I came to see God's care during the storm. Before my husband’s breakdown and confessions, God had a
plan to provide all I needed to survive the crisis and grow deeper in Him.[2] He
had a plan to give me hope and a future.[3] You may laugh, but I think Jesus planned for
me to study martial arts. I am old and creaky and no longer flexible, and this was truly not a sport in which I had any interest - until my youngest child begged to join a class. We joined a Dojo together a few months before the second disclosure "bomb" exploded. As I
faced the truth that my husband was not a protector of me or our family, my sensei (Japanese for “teacher”) was discipling us in physical presence,
strength, awareness of danger, and self-respect. While my husband mocked my physical
abilities, my sensei was training and encouraging them. On several days Jesus (my “Sensei” in devotions) and my earthly sensei both reminded me: “Lift
up your eyes; put away shame.”[4]
At times I needed to pray as much as I needed air. Desperate, dependent prayer filled every alone moment, and many moments in
crowded rooms. Three months before my husband’s confessions, our church worship
leader asked me to learn a new instrument and join the team. The invitation to the worship team was also a part of God’s advance care plan. I drowned my sorrows in the prayers of worship music which, as it turns out, is a rather successful survival strategy! Often the Holy Spirit used the song words
within to remind me of the verse or blessing I needed to forge ahead through the swamp. And I was emotionally safe while playing with the praise band. In the
face of engaged worship of the One who made us and loves us, the Deceiver’s
lies selling fear and shame will flee. Through the storm I could sing:
“My life goes on in endless
song, above earth’s lamentations. I hear the real but far of hymn, that hails a new creation. How can I keep from singing?” [5]
[1] Sarah Young, Jesus Calling (2004) Jan. 11[2] Psalm 139:16[3] Jeremiah 29:11[4] Isaiah 40:26 (Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these?); Psalm 121:1 (I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from?); Psalm 34:5 (Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.).[5] Spiritual, How Can I Keep From Singing?
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