Part 8: Sex Addiction Opens A Marriage to the Demonic

Jesus asked the boy’s father, “How long has he been like this?”“ From childhood,” he answered.  “It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.”   “‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.”   Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”  When Jesus saw that a crowd was running to the scene, he rebuked the impure spirit. “You deaf and mute spirit,” he said, “I command you, come out of him and never enter him again.”  The spirit shrieked, convulsed him violently and came out. ... After Jesus had gone indoors, his disciples asked him privately, “Why couldn’t we drive it out?”  He replied, “This kind can come out only by prayer and fasting.” [1]
      

I am sure that my title today is offensive to many folks.  Biblical stories about demons and angels seem far removed from our modern world of rocket ships and miracle drugs. And  I doubt you will hear discussions about the demonic discussed in 12-Step meetings like SA (Sexaholics Anonymous).  But as C.S. Lewis wrote, "If you haven't met Satan recently, you are probably going his way!"

I have spent many years living with and reading about sexual addiction,  its causes and consequences.  I was a Christ-follower during those years, but I did not always live from a position of child-like trust in Jesus.  I still miss the mark often.  But eventually I came to understand that when one spouse is engaged in a persistent pattern of evil, this opens the marriage and the home to the demonic.[2]  

Last year my husband revealed, for the second time in our long marriage, that his sex addiction had escalated out of control.  Even before my husband's hurtful behavior was revealed, I was having nightmares for years. In one of these dreams, I was kidnapped and tortured and forced to travel around under the control of a faceless man. He had complete control over me, and yet we were often out in the open - in a restaurant booth or a gas station - interacting with people. I recall from the dream the continual cycle of hope and defeat; hope that someone would notice things were not right, and defeat when the man and I left the location. This same dream continued, more frequently, after my husband's newest revelations. But the terror in this repeated nightmare came not from my own imagined torture and impending death, but from repeated entry into the story of others whose paths we crossed, who sensed but did not look directly at the evil, and did nothing to help. 

My prayers about sexual addiction were not unlike the prayer of the boy's father in Mark 9.  Maybe you wives have prayed something like this? "Jesus, I believe (sort of, on a good day) that you might be able to heal my husband, but I don't dare to hope you will because dashed hope is so painful. And I'm not convinced that you can heal him, because I have never seen this sort of healing. I'm trying to be a rational person and also to trust you. But still, I'm such a mess and I don't know what else to do, so would you please try to heal him, if you can?"

"If I can?" says Jesus.

Several months after my husband's revelations about sexual behavior, I again awoke in heart-pounding panic from this dream. When I awoke, I could not think what to do, so I whispered the "Jesus Prayer" over and over until my heartbeat slowed:  "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the living God, have mercy on me, a sinner."  In this foggy-3-am-state-of-mind, as prayer calmed me, I dared to ask Jesus to remove whatever evil spirits were in our home, in my husband, in our marriage, and in myself - just kick them all out into the back yard please.  I cannot testify that I heard pigs rushing into the lake,[3] but the nightmare has not returned for 8 months now. And from around that same time, my husband seemed slowly to change, to heal.

Jesus does not offer miracle drugs or 2-week treatment options for sex addiction.  But He offers prayer and fasting and mercy and healing.  Do you want to be healed?

---

[1] Mark 9: 21-29
[2] L. Hall, An Affair of the Mind, p. 117, 121, also citing, Dr. Ron Miller, “Personality Traits of the Carnal Mind” p. 53.
[3]  See,  Matt 8: 28-32.

Part 7: Crushed in Spirit; Advice to Pastors

“Many are asking, ‘Who can show us any good?” Psalm 4:6(a)

I have been writing about my husband's sexual addiction and the plans God set in place to take care of me when the "bomb" of sexual addiction exploded for the second time in our marriage. (See, Part 6: Karate, Lament, and The Storm of Sexual Addiction).  

Another example of God’s advance planning was our new pastor.  He preached for six months before my husband's breakdown and revelations about sexual behavior. Our pastor's grace-filled sermons were offensive to my husband.  Indeed, the presentation of the gospel - the continual call to repent and believe - offered to one who has decided to avoid Jesus, is at least abrasive, if not offensive.  But my pastor's messaging also started me on a path of courage and clarity - to pray the words I needed to pray, and hear the words I needed to hear from God.  He invited me to discipleship.  God knew I would need a lurch forward (and some holy courage) to seek help from other Christians, but also a discerning pastor to steady me as I fell, to listen, to disciple my hard heart and speak grace to my broken heart.

My pastor has been a tremendous blessing, but some before him were not helpful, and some counseling was even damaging. Many poor responses to sexual addiction by well-meaning ministers, elders, friends and counselors are depicted in books on this topic.[1] You may be an experienced pastoral counselor, but if you are counseling on sexual addiction for the first time, I offer a few tips from the trenches.  

First, when a woman walks into your office reporting that she has discovered her husband has a problem with compulsive sexual behavior such as viewing pornoraphy, please make sure that her body is safe and will not be further harmed. Someone should discuss with her immediate sexual abstinence and medical testing for both parties, and be alert for any hints of physical abuse. 

Second, do not suggest that performing better in bed, offering a wider variety of sex acts, prompt forgiveness, or being more submissive in the marriage will solve anything. Advice that blames the wife for her husband's behavior is harmful, further traumatizing the wife and enabling the husband. And recommending forgiveness when the building is still burning and the husband has said no words of repentance or taken steps toward change is soul crushing.  And please don't remind her that all guys look at porn, or hint that porn may make him a better lover.

Third, consider carefully whether S-Anon (a 12-Step group for wives of sex-addicts) or certain therapists would be helpful for the wife.  A 12-Step support group can be a good place to learn more about sex addiction and feel less alone in suffering.[2]  But there is debate in the sexual addiction field whether the approach of S-Anon (and many therapists) inappropriately emphasizes the "co-addict" or "co-dependency" model of treatment. Specialists in this area are instead recommending the "sexual addiction induced trauma" model for helping the wife of a sex addict.[3]  Remember that she knew nothing about his addiction and probably did nothing to enable it, and she is in severe shock.  Also, the more she learns, the more traumatized she will become - and she will learn much more in the months after the initial disclosure! And very likely she has been emotionally and verbally abused, if not physically. 

Fourth, apply the gospel of Jesus Christ to the situation, over and over and over.

For those of you who are not pastors, please recognize that many women walking in and out of your life are silently suffering the soul-numbing emotional rejection of this disease. Even through people I hardly knew, God parachuted me survival packages. When several days had passed with only contemptuous words or no words at all from my husband, God sent ravens with bread and water into the wilderness - store clerks or pre-school teachers who spoke small words of hope and encouragement into my life, or friends with a kind text message.  Once on vacation I was smiling on the outside but nauseated with pain on the inside. A Roman Catholic tour guide, after spending an entire day with our family touring the Vatican, chirped warmly, “My, aren’t you just an angel of patience and care for your family!” She touched my heart with her kind words; I received God’s care through her words. I still have much to learn about how small words can bring the Lord close to the brokenhearted and save those who are crushed in spirit, if only momentarily.[4]

---

[1] For a few examples, see, L. Hall, An Affair of the Mind (1996); Sex, Lies, and Forgiveness, Couples Speaking out On Healing From Sex Addiction, J. Schneider, M.D. and B. Schneider (1991)
[2] For more information on a 12-step program for spouses and family members dealing with the effects of sexual addiction, visit www.sanon.org. 
[3] For example, see, http://voices.yahoo.com/stop-abuse-partners-sex-addicts-12073749.html?cat=70; or see, Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D, The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, (1977).
[4] Psalm 34:18

Part 6: Karate, Lament, and The Storm of Sexual Addiction

"When you bring Me prayer requests, lay out your concerns before Me. Speak to Me candidly; pour out your heart. Then thank Me for the answers that I have set into motion long before you can discern results." [1. Jesus Calling]

I learned of my husband's spiraling out of control sexual behavior on the last day of a rough year. A dear friend sent me "Jesus Calling" (a year of daily devotions) a few days later. On January 11, as my husband's revelations washed over me and new sorrows like sea billows rolled, Jesus reminded me in the devotional (quoted above) to thank Him in advance for the answers He had already put in place for me.  I was still gripping the lifelines on the boat, hanging on for dear life, and not feeling particularly thankful. My unholy response was: "Not there yet, God." 

But in time I came to see God's care during the storm.  Before my husband’s breakdown and confessions, God had a plan to provide all I needed to survive the crisis and grow deeper in Him.[2] He had a plan to give me hope and a future.[3]  You may laugh, but I think Jesus planned for me to study martial arts.  I am old and creaky and no longer flexible, and this was truly not a sport in which I had any interest -  until my youngest child begged to join a class. We joined a Dojo together a few months before the second disclosure "bomb" exploded. As I faced the truth that my husband was not a protector of me or our family, my sensei (Japanese for “teacher”) was discipling us in physical presence, strength, awareness of danger, and self-respect. While my husband mocked my physical abilities, my sensei was training and encouraging them.  On several days Jesus  (my “Sensei” in devotions)  and my earthly sensei both reminded me: “Lift up your eyes; put away shame.”[4]

At times I needed to pray as much as I needed air. Desperate, dependent prayer filled every alone moment, and many moments in crowded rooms.  Three months before my husband’s confessions, our church worship leader asked me to learn a new instrument and join the team. The invitation to the worship team was also a part of God’s advance care plan. I drowned my sorrows in the prayers of worship music which, as it turns out, is a rather successful survival strategy!  Often the Holy Spirit used the song words within to remind me of the verse or blessing I needed to forge ahead through the swamp. And I was emotionally safe while playing with the praise band.  In the face of engaged worship of the One who made us and loves us, the Deceiver’s lies selling fear and shame will flee. Through the storm I  could sing:  

“My life goes on in endless song, above earth’s lamentations. I hear the real but far of hymn, that hails a new creation. How can I keep from singing?” [5]

---

[1] Sarah Young, Jesus Calling (2004)  Jan. 11[2] Psalm 139:16[3] Jeremiah 29:11[4] Isaiah 40:26 (Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these?); Psalm 121:1 (I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from?); Psalm 34:5 (Those who look to him are radiant;   their faces are never covered with shame.).[5] Spiritual, How Can I Keep From Singing?

Part 5: Sexual Addiction: Can you Hear the Bread Breaking?

In the beginning, you'll have to...stop talking.  Your tongue will have grooves in it where your teeth have had to come to a skid stop. But stop talking you must....so you can quietly observe the patterns of behavior in your marriage...You want to know what actions he's generating. ...you have to stop talking because your husband has learned that he can use talk as a way to manipulate you.... Talk is an effective refuge for those who refuse to change....Remember, he's been steeped in a world [of porn] where words are not the outward symbol of an inward commitment to action." [1] 

In prior posts I described the history of sexual addiction in my marriage - the early prayers, revelations and clues, and the nature of trauma.  Although painful, this dawning awareness of the addiction and emotional abuse was a gift from God - an answer to my pleas. I still lived in fear and, on some days, soul-crushing brokenness.  I had not known about the sexual behavior when I begged God to intervene, but now that I knew, I had to cling desperately to Jesus just to get out of bed in the morning. 

Laurie Hall's book, An Affair of the Mind, is one of the best books written for the wife of a sex addict. It is gritty and real,  focused on trauma and abuse rather than "co-addiction" and "co-dependency", and instructive on living out the gospel in a horrible marriage situation.  I trusted Ms. Hall's advice a great deal.  But the first time I read her book, I did not heed her advice to stop talking.  I wanted to scream and rant, or at least lecture and explain - not be silent!  

But this encouragement to quiet is exceedingly good advice, and biblical: "“When you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent.” Psalm 4:4(b).  More than one adviser suggested to me early on that sharing words of vulnerability or explanation with a sex addict was like spreading pearls before swine.[2]

When my husband admitted to living "off-the-wagon" with porn and my life exploded for the second time, I re-read Ms. Hall's book and noted her call to silence (quoted above).  My husband uses withdrawal and silence to manipulate more than words, so I wondered how this would go, but I decided to be quiet.  My first surprise was that my husband was agitated when I did not talk cheerfully to fill the space between us. I observed that he took my quietness as anger, when in fact I was just, well, not talking. The quiet was diagnostic; my husband's withholding and withdrawal came into focus, and I was forced to wear the pain of his distancing. And he could no longer shame me by ignoring my words or suggesting my comments were uninteresting. "Not talking" was a giant spotlight illuminating his depriving me of all conversation that engaged me, or responded to me, or shared of himself.

The Psalmist does not mean that we should shut up and shut down our souls; silence is space for observing, searching our hearts, and listening. When I was quiet, I also began to hear from God. When I listened to the quiet whisperings of the Holy Spirit, my annus horribilis became a year of grace. God is so good and He has been taking very good care of me. Truly, wandering in the wilderness of crisis and pain is where Jesus finds us, as many saints have discovered.

And through crisis our misery is concentrated and we are re-tuned to God’s pitch and reshaped to His melody. Just as with a violin, it is nearly impossible to tune with noise in the background. Our husbands have not provided the care and protection our hearts desired and, facing the truth of sexual addiction, we learn that safety and protection must come only from Jesus. Once while processing an event of sexual physical violation, I lamented with self-pity that my counselors just didn’t understand what it felt like to be physically unsafe, body at risk. Jesus so gently corrected me, “My body was broken - for you; how can you say I don't understand?”[3]  In the silence, we can hear the bread breaking. 

___________________________________________________

[1] L. Hall, An Affair Of The Mind, (1996) p. 182-83
[2]  Matthew 7:6.  Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.
[3] Luke 22:19

---

Part 4: Burning Buildings, Trauma and Sexual Addiction

"Two factors are essential in understanding traumatic experiences: how far our systems are stretched and for how long. Some events happen only once or just a few times, but the impact is so great that trauma occurs....Some trauma experiences are relatively minor, but they happen every day.  The hurt accumulates... examples include living in a toxic marriage or working in a toxic corporation. Little acts of degradation, manipulation, secrecy and shame on a daily basis take their toll. Trauma by accumulation sneaks up on its victims."[1] 

My husband will admit that he is a sex addict.  Last year he fell off the wagon, so to speak. After several confessions about sexual behavior and re-joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA), my husband said, "What more do you want? I just need to stop the behavior. What else is there to do?" I had no snappy answer, but I suspected there was quite a bit more. Repentance and reconciliation perhaps? Rebuilding a burned up relationship maybe?  A defibrillator for the empathy cells in his heart?

Joining a 12-Step recovery program for sexaholics [2] is like the moment the fire department contains the blaze after the arsonist sets your house on fire.  Is there more to do? Well, that depends.  It depends on whether you want justice against the arsonists.  Or whether you want the smoldering beams doused so the fire cannot return to finish the job. Or maybe you want to recover a few precious memories from the ashes.  Or maybe there is grieving for the loss of home and hearth to be done. Or perhaps you are a big, romantic, dreamer like me and you want to see the house fully restored? What else is there to do??!!!

As I learned about trauma and addiction, I was surprised to learn that the effect of years of continuous low-level trauma is physically and emotionally very similar to a single severe trauma, such as an assault, rape or kidnapping.[1]  For many months, as I peeled back layers searching for understanding about addiction and abuse, I was numb, dazed, unable to focus, occasionally bed-ridden, and inexplicably ashamed. I avoided things I had previously enjoyed like cooking, hosting parties, playing piano, doing crafts, and my career. Are those symptoms of trauma? I am told they are.

Despite being a strong-minded professional and problem solver to the outside world, in my marriage I was broken, afraid, and living on constant high alert for the next poison arrow. For many months after my husband's confessions I would weep and pray, pray and weep, while driving or on work breaks. I did lots of errands in the evenings and, when I was away from home, I felt panic about returning home; when I returned to our driveway, I sobbed in fear and struggled to go into the house.  I even had to face that I was anxiously scratching and scarring my hands and arms - trying to peel away the evil. I came to learn this is a known symptom of ongoing trauma in a relationship which is harmful and from which there seems no escape. [3]

Facing the reality of this low-level trauma was like an avalanche; once I stopped running in front of it and turned around and looked for God, the avalanche buried me. I was stuck, with no idea how long it would take to dig out.  But as the Alcoholics Anonymous "Big Book" gently notes: “This was only a beginning, though if honestly and humbly made, an effect, sometimes a very great one, was felt at once.” [3] **

_________________________
[1] Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D, The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, (1977) Chapter 1 "What Trauma Does To People."
[2] For information on a 12-Step Program for sexaholics, see www.sa.org.
[3] S. Peck, People of the Lie. 
[4] S-Anon Twelve Steps (the “Blue Book”) p. 3, S-anon International Family Groups (2000), quoting, The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous,  p. 63 (1976 ed.?).

Sexual Addiction: The Wife as Secret Keeper

• Psalm 142: "I cry aloud to the Lord... I pour out my complaint before Him...In the path where I walk men have hidden a snare for me. Look to my right and see; no one is concerned for me. I have no refuge; no one cares for my life...Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me from those who pursue me...set me free from my prison...Then the righteous will gather about me because of your goodness to me."

How is it that the Psalms are the same as ever for 2000 years, but they feel fresh again from every new vista on the climb up the mountain?  In Psalm 142, I imagine David running for his life from King Saul. The situation described does not feel spiritually abstract but more like live action and danger, with visual images of a hidden snare, pursuers, no refuge, rescue and prison - a real Hunger Games, David and Saul adventure.   

A recent article in the New Yorker magazine gave me a different view of Psalm 142.[1] Sigmund Freud is quoted: "No mortal can keep a secret. If his lips are silent, he chatters with his finger-tips; betrayal oozes out of him at every pore."  Modern research shows that secrecy can be a source of both mental and physical distress. One study showed that keeping a secret requires constant effort, which distracts the secret keeper from basic reasoning tasks, and causes them to react more rudely to criticism and give up sooner on physical tasks. Another study found that those keeping a meaningful secret "perceived hills to be steeper and distances to be longer" and caused people to carry less weight when helping with a physical task. Studies also find "an association between keeping an emotionally charged secret and ailments ranging from the common cold to chronic diseases."[2] The secrecy itself is a hidden snare. 

And there are multiple studies showing that writing about a traumatic experience can boost the immune system.[3]  After loosing his wife to cancer, C.S. Lewis wrote this in A Grief Observed, "What am I to do? I must have some drug, and reading isn't a strong enough drug now.  By writing it all down ... I believe I get a little outside it."  

With sexual addiction, spouses experience debilitating trauma and at the same time they become the secret keeper of its cause.  As I faced the shock of finding out my husband was not the man I believed him to be, very little distracted me from the grief. I couldn't focus at work; reading couldn't hold my interest; playing music was emotionally challenging; chocolate didn't help (well, maybe chocolate helped a little.)  But like C.S. Lewis, I found that writing in a journal was the only activity that pulled me a little outside of myself. Writing kept me from wandering in useless brain circles around the sad secrets that I couldn't share. 

I held the secret of my husband's sexual addiction for a very long time (27 years in fact!). We wives keep this secret from family, friends, church elders, and colleagues, both to preserve our own relationships and also to protect our husbands from losing potentially healing relationships. Please hear me: I am not saying you should rush out and tell everyone about your husband's addiction or sexual behavior. Telling others to harm our husband or take revenge is always wrong, but even telling careless people in order to get much-needed sympathy can be very damaging.  

The first time the sex addiction bomb exploded in my marriage, I found a local S-Anon group. Spending time with other wives who had suffered the same crazy behavior was comforting, the confidentiality was well guarded, and the reading materials are excellent. Sometimes a completely anonymous group is your best option. [4]  When the warning signs of addiction re-appeared several years later, I told one far-away friend.  She counseled me to tell one nearby friend. Then a crisis point in my husband's mental health caused me to limp reluctantly to a pastor-counselor. You should discern carefully with whom you will share your secret -  if you are not sure, then wait and pray and say nothing. 

So back to Psalm 142: Perhaps the prison from which the spouse of a sex addict needs rescue is the constant mental energy of keeping and processing the secret disease all alone.  I have experienced emotional and physical damage just keeping this secret over so many years. It feels as if there is no refuge, only snares. 

But God is our refuge and strength in times of desperate need; we can pour out our private complaint before our personal God.  Yet there is still the live action adventure here on earth. When we share discreetly and discerningly with those who are equipped with the gospel and who can love and respect our husbands despite the behavior, then we are set free from this prison. Then the righteous will gather about us because of God's goodness to us. 

A friend texted: "soak up the righteous and rich fellowship around you." Ah yes. The wisdom that Christian community is healing is ancient but still fresh every morning. **

________________________________________
[1] "Why You Can't Keep A Secret", New Yorker, March, 2014 
[2])  E.g., Pennebaker, "Writing About Emotional Experiences as a Therapeutic Process." (Psychological Science, May, 1997)
[3] Id., New Yorker,
[4]  You can visit www.s-anon.org to find support groups in your area. 

Part 3. Glory Into Shame - Early Clues to Sexual Addiction

“How long, oh [my husband], will you turn my glory into shame? 

How long will you love delusions and seek false gods? ” Psalm 4:2 

You may have experience with other addictive behaviors, but I do not.  I have never faced the pain of an alcoholic mother or a drug-addicted brother-in-law.  It would be quite unfair of me to say that being the wife of a sex addict is worse than family relationships with other addicts. I can only testify to my own experience. But while other chemical addictions also cause relational brokenness, it seems that the hidden consequences of sex addiction are concentrated almost entirely on the wife of many years.

Listening to the evangelical preachers on YouTube.com, one learns that heterosexual pornography addiction is quite widespread.  Sexual addiction among married men seems to be downright common in Christian marriages.  What the preachers don't tell you is that the tendrils penetrate deeper and become more devastating and painful with every passing wedding anniversary.

A husband's sexual addiction is established long before a couple goes on their first date. The man sees his new bride as glorious and beautiful; he may falsely also see her as the healing antidote to all his sexual shame and the one who can fill the spiritual hole in his heart. But after marriage, perhaps shortly after the wedding or perhaps after several years of relational struggles, his addiction turns her glory into shame.  I spent many months unpeeling the onion layers around addiction and our broken relationship, and journaling was my chief processing method.  Early on, I penned this diagnostic question: why do I walk around the house with my eyes downcast?  It was the cry of Psalm 4:  why do you turn my glory into shame?

Finding out that your spouse has been unfaithful as a sex addict is a severe trauma. But there are no tell-tale signals of falling off the wagon as in alcoholism or drug abuse. The signs are subtle - gradually building emotional and verbal abuse, objectifying of women or flirting, zoning out and passivity, subtle forms of control, deceit, contempt, blaming and shaming. And responding to sex addiction has a different flavor than other chemical addictions. If my husband were in AA or NA I could insist: “if you come home high you must move out and get help.”  But married to a sex addict I don’t have that luxury. I don’t know when the line has been crossed.  I don’t even know where the line is on most days.

God sent a clue months before my husband's revelations about his sexual "falling off the wagon."  I confess that I utterly missed this clue. We were reading Romans 1  in The Message during family devotions.  Paul writes about the downward progressive cycle of sin and shame:

• "So God said, in effect, 'if that's what you want, that's what you get.' It wasn't long before they were living in a pigpen, smeared with filth, filthy inside and out. And all this because they traded God for a fake god (sex, for example) ... Refusing to know God, they soon didn't know how to be human either... Sexually confused, they abused and defiled one another... all lust, no love. And then they paid for it, oh, how they paid for it - emptied of God and love, godless and loveless wretches...Those people are on a dark spiral downward." [1] 

Our kids left the room and my husband burst into tears. I comforted him, thinking this was deep guilt from behaviors long past. A few months later I learned that during this time he was engaged with on-line pornographic videos multiple times a day while at work. [Added June18: Several months later I learned the real truth - he had been with a prostitute the week before.] When my husband heard these words from Romans, his shame was too great to contain and despair surfaced, quite uncharacteristically for him.  Although I didn't know it at the time, this was my husband's early heart cry.  But he was not ready to turn from the worship of the false sex-god, or turn from loving the delusion that he could control me and control his behavior.  Shame without repentance is a downward spiral.

Sexual compulsion is a chemical dependency that damages the brain. It involves a severely compromised ability to empathize; at root, it is an intimacy disorder.  And evil is present where there is a profound absence of empathy.[2]  There is no nice way to say this: we wives are bound with heavy cords not only to a normal sinner, but to a foolish sinner who has opened the door to the demonic in his life, marriage, and home.  And if you are “one flesh” with someone who has opened this door, who has studied and ingested pornography, “your spirit, soul, and body are probably also on the critical list.” [3]  

Romans 1 also describes the next step in the downward spiral of worship to the sex god: "Since they didn't bother to acknowledge God, God quit bothering them and let them run loose. And then all hell broke loose, rampant evil...." [4]  

Today we understand the brain chemistry of sexual addiction, but the idea of sexual compulsion as sin has slipped away. Still, while our culture (and some theologians) can pretend that sin is unimportant to the message of the gospel, the wives of sex addicts see the trail of sexual sin as clearly as the path of a spiraling tornado. The path of sex-worship and God-avoidance is described so vividly in Romans 1 and it looks no different 2000 years later. In fact, the modern-day wife of a sex addict could write "The Message - Sexual Addiction Version 2.0" and it would be a spot-on description of her husband's downward spiral that starts before marriage and, without the transforming song of the gospel, ends with rampant evil and all hell breaking loose.

---

[1] Romans 1:18-27 - Romans 2:1
[2] Bold Love, p. 234. See generally, People of the Lie, The Hope For Healing Human Evil, M. Scott Peck

[3] Laurie Hall, Affair of the Mind, p. 130.
[4] Romans 1: 28-32