History Before Theology
How did this journey begin? How does a Christian wife find herself married to a porn addict? What is sexual addiction? Before the theology must come the history, the events, the characters. In the next few posts I will share some of my personal testimony. If you find yourself in a similar place, may God bless you and lead you to resources and people that will help you through this trauma. Rest assured that although it may not feel like it, God has already set in place a plan to care for you in this difficult time.
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A young married couple set off for graduate school together,
pulling a trailer loaded with hope and wedding gifts. Although we did not know it then,
we also pulled the baggage of my husband’s growing addiction into the marriage.
As time went on, the pressure of graduate school and the anxieties of starting a professional life blanketed
my confusion and dull ache. When our first
child was born I prayed fervent new parent prayers. Later, awake in the dark night
with my 2-year old son, I wept and prayed that God would shape my husband into
the father God intended him to be. Even
then I knew God hears our prayers, but He has taught me since that answers can
arrive in excruciating and foundation-shattering ways. And when we pray for God
to change others, He often changes us.
Soon after that midnight prayer, God revealed to me for the first time my husband’s
internet pornography habits. A few months later, on an evening when I returned home exhausted from a day of business travel, my husband confessed to heavy use of hardcore on-line porn and infidelity with prostitutes. Not knowing where to turn for help, I joined S-Anon, a support group
for spouses of sex addicts, where women refer to such confessions as “the day
the bomb went off in my living room.” I
learned that pornography is more addictive than cocaine or alcohol.[1] We talked to a minister. My husband joined the
12-step group Sexaholics Anonymous (“SA”)
and promised to live a married life free of pornography.
Although we were blessed with children and career success, our
relationship continued to deteriorate over the years. Perhaps deteriorate is
not honest; perhaps I have never been a part of a healthy marriage. Couples counseling
had little effect because the devaluation and shaming of the spouse that springs out of a sexual addiction is subtle, covert and private. Sex addicts struggle with being emotionally present, including in counseling. And sex addicts are skilled at being charming around
others and they work hard at convincing their wives (and themselves and others)
that the addiction is her fault.[2] Like a physical abuser, a sex addict is quite persuaded that “she deserves it.” And like one who is physically abused, a wife in this situation is left wondering, what did I do wrong? Because her husband and partner who has known her for a long time says that she is to blame, she considers this the most likely explanation.
In contrast to the sex addict - who can be highly functional - those in relationship with any addict or abuser are
more damaged and less emotionally healthy than those who abuse. Most of us wives started out relatively emotionally healthy. Unlike other addictions, a pornography addiction is usually invisible before marriage. Entering into a Christian marriage with a pure woman, the husband may sincerely believe his teenage fantasies and habits will be miraculously cured on his wedding day. He soon finds out that he is quite mistaken on this point.
But marriage to a
sex addict (one not in recovery) is a life of soul-numbing, never-ending
emotional rejection. Pornography trains
a man’s mind to objectify and use others.[3] I was always aware of how little my husband thought of me; I was to blame for every difficulty he faced. Aware of his guilt but not wanting to repent,
my husband attempted to shame me into silence. Id. In some ways you could say that I was emotionally battered into being like a girl in a porn video; a silent, 2-dimensional object with no feelings and no right to expect any emotional intimacy. Attempts to discuss areas of hurt
were returned with either disengagement or criticism - sometimes subtle,
sometimes not. Eventually I came to a place in our marriage where I was afraid to speak much beyond "please pass the salt." **
(If you are interested, the story continues in the Posts Part 2-8)
[1] See,
generally, Out of the Shadows,
Understanding Sexual Addiction, Dr. Patrick J. Carnes (2001)
[2] Laurie
Hall, An Affair of the Mind, p. 207
(1996)
[3] Laurie Hall, The
Cleavers Don’t Live Here Any More, p. 135-38, also citing, Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to
Recognize it and How to Respond (May 1992), New edition, Jan. 2010.
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