Bombs and Pickles: Once A Sex Addict Always A Sex Addict

Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body?

For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” 1 Corinthians 6:16

I have not been able to write for several weeks.  It was then that my husband confessed to more sexual indiscretions than I had ever imagined.  It seems that, in addition to the escalating involvement with cyber-porn, he had neglected to tell me a year ago (when he was "coming clean" and we were starting over with forgiveness and healing) that he also had been with prostitutes, not just two times very long ago, but at least 10 times in the last several years. This news was more than I could bear.  I have been working on healing for my soul and reconciliation in our relationship for over a year.  I have been reading volumes on addiction, trauma, verbal abuse, and depression, meeting with counselors, investing in physical health, rebuilding our sexual relationship,  recovering my sense of self, and re-learning spiritual discernment.  But he didn't tell me the full extent of his sexual misbehaviors. Not Even Close. 

You can't forgive what you don't know. You can't heal a relationship where there are still secrets. Forgiveness is a given, but holding open the door for repentance and reconciliation is the hard work of being a Christ-follower.  Still, the one betrayed cannot write the script of repentance for the offender, and cannot walk through the open door for the offender.  

I wish I had been advised early on to attend a "3-day intensive", which is a counseling marathon with polygraph and assisted disclosures. My husband reminds me of the AA wisdom discussed often in his 12-Step Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) group: "Once you are a pickle, you can never go back to being a cucumber."  This slogan, borrowed from Alcoholics Anonymous, teaches that a person does not stop being an alcoholic (or sexaholic) and must always be vigilant, fleeing from evil and avoiding that first drink. (But think about it - isn't that pickle a spectacularly bad analogy when applied to Sexaholic's Anonymous?)  I see many addicts using this slogan to justify why they are not being transformed, not "working the 12 Step program." They evade sponsor accountability, hold on to old resentments, and avoid steps towards healing important relationships. 

Jesus has a very different view of us; to Him we are no longer pickles. You will not find "pickle" by searching in www.biblegateway.com, but you will find that God sees you as an adopted son or daughter, with all the privileges of sonship. Gal. 4:4-5. You may have missed my newest translation of Gal. 4:7: "So you are no longer a pickled sinful slave to sexual addiction, but God's fresh cucumber-like child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir, like a cucumber re-attached to its vine." Someday I want to sell T-shirts for addicts in recovery that say: "Jesus Saves" on the front and "God Sees You As A Cucumber!" on the back.  That, my friends, is the very center of the gospel.

A dialogue with a Christian friend followed these new disclosures.  I offer it in case you are in this same place of attempting discernment while still in shock:

Friend:  "Do you believe this marriage is unrepairable?"

Me:  "Yes, no, yes, no. Depends which minute of the day you ask.  My theology says nothing is out of His reach. My heart says I don't expect my husband can change.  Is that a lack of faith?"

Friend: "No. It is reality. Only God's grace can change a heart bound by sin. Your task is to prayerfully consider whether he wants to be transformed. If yes, then yes. If no, then no."

Thank you friend! This formation of the question has been immeasurably valuable. The question is not whether God can save my husband. (Of course He can!) The question is not whether we want to honor our covenant marriage vows, in sickness and in health. (We do!) The question is not whether my husband wishes he were not an addict. (He does!) The question is whether my husband wants to be transformed. Jesus is asking my husband the same question He asks each of us: Do You Want To Be Healed? (Or rather, do you want to be a cucumber attached to the vine?)