Verbal Abuse: A Dangerous Box of Chocolates

 "From outward appearances I had it all: a great job, home, car, and two beautiful children. Yet I
was broken and needed healing. In my brokenness, my husband became my protection. I created a false sense of happiness amid his controlling behavior.  Verbal abuse turned into emotional, spiritual, and physical abuse in a matter of months." Tawana Davis, Christianity Today (Jan/Feb. 2015).

This author goes on to describe an incident of great physical violence against her at the hand of her husband.  And it wasn't until years later that she realized she had been a victim of domestic violence.

In the same issue of CT, others wrote, "One in four American women experiences violence from her partner at some point in her adult life" and, "women with strong religious backgrounds often are less likely to believe that violence against them is wrong. Abused women who are Christian may try to understand their suffering by believing it is "God's will" or "part of God's plan for my life."(1)

The ideas in these articles are surprising to me - that verbal and emotional abuse can turn physical in a matter of months even after many years of marriage; that one can be assaulted by a spouse and not realize the significance; that the worldview of Christian women can make them particularly susceptible to long-suffering in the face of an abusive marriage.

Several years ago, I was working on a church gardening project with two nurses.  They noticed my excessive sneezing and strongly encouraged me to seek allergy testing and shots.  As a result, I was diagnosed as allergic to walnuts, almonds, and other tree nuts.  I endured 5 years of shots and I carry an EpiPen at all times. These two women's observation of my physical reaction, their validation of my situation, and their encouragement to action probably saved my life, or at least saved me a life-threatening crisis.  Now, when I approach a box of chocolates, I experience apprehension, fear even. If I pick the wrong one I could have a reaction. When someone quips, "Life is like a box of chocolates; ya never know whatyer gonna get" I think - how true!

More recently, Christian friends may have saved my life in a different way. My husband was a verbal and emotional abuser. He was covert, subtle, and smart about it; when no one was around, my spirit and soul were repeatedly crushed.  I sought and found guidance from other Christians, and Jesus the great Healer began a work of restoration in me.  But abusers do not like it when you respond in a healthy, self-protective manner; they desperately need to keep you under their thumb in order to feel whole themselves. My husband would say repeatedly, "I can't ever encourage you in anything, because then I can't control you." As I started the slow crawl out of the swamp to emotional health, my husband became more angry, more heated, with more finger waving, stronger words, and more physical reactions.  One day he threw some yard equipment in my direction and started up a machine near my face which kicked up rocks. But I had friends who listened well, observed, validated my reactions, and encouraged me on how to protect and take care of myself.  I will never know for certain, but if Ms. Davis is correct in her quote above, then I may have been living on the brink of physical abuse in my home.

What is my point? Verbal abuse is a dangerous box of chocolates.  Speaking truth to a friend may save her life. Listening well and validating her feelings and reactions may help her process the dangerous secret events that could add up to something much worse than chocolate covered nuts.  And carry an EpiPen full of scripture, hymns and spiritual songs to inject yourself as needed.** 

For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand

and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

Isaiah 41:13

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(1) Lindsey and Justin Holcomb, authors of "Is it My Fault? Hope and Healing for Those Suffering Domestic Violence."